The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

June 23, 2004

Do You Dig?

Wipe your tears away boat boy, MVB is here.Nobody bitches as much as mariners.


Day in and day out they're all, "I'm wet", "I'm sick of fish", "I think I have scurvy", "Why does it take so long to get from the Hudson River to Lake Ontario?"


Cry me a damn river you little sea whores.


Eventually, I got so sick of all their bullshit, I was like, "Listen here's what you do, dig a big-ass-hole in ground from the Hudson, all the way to Lake Erie and fill it with water for your little pussy ships."


"Where on Lake Erie?"


"Eff me in the A, did you just ask where on Lake Erie? How about by Buffalo ass munch?"


"You mean by Grand Island?"


Dig a hole, fill it with water and you're on your way."Yeah, whatever, sounds great, here's a shovel, let me know when you get to Rochester."

That's how it all started and by 1825 the Erie Canal was open for business. Sure a few thousand men died of malaria in the process but shit, what do you expect? They sat in a mud hole all summer!


And who had the idea for the Erie Canal?


That's right bitches.


ME.


It was all Martin VB.


Don't call it a comeback, I've been here for years.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're goddamn right again, Van Buren. I've been listening to Edgar Martinez and Ichiro and Bret Boone all goddamn June--oh, wait. Sorry. Never mind.

11:06 AM  
Blogger President Martin Van Buren said...

Where's Boone??? Nice batting average db.

.225???

Your an all star man.

On my 1810 rounders team a young chap hit about .255 and we had him scourged.

12:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'd like to give this year's Mariners a scourging. Them, and that six-fingered freak Alfonseca. Just because he's different.

2:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

F U you lyin pussy-face Van Bureau, your big head would take credit fo creation isself from ALMIGHTY GOD so hands off my canal, my work, and the empire it begat.

Governor Dewitt Clinton

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