The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

June 22, 2004

Not the One With Heather Graham, The Other One

Big Pimping with AlfieI was remarking to my Vice-President, Richard Mentor Johnson, that of all the Austin Power's motion pictures, I do believe that the third one was my favorite.

Always the sensitive Kentuckian Johnson replied, "Is that the one with the leggy blonde or the negro chanteuse?"

"Really, I think the prefered term is black and Beyonce is more of a diva than a chanteuse, I mean it's one man's opinion, but at any rate she's in the third one, Heather Graham is in the second one."

"Really? I thought that one was a bit slow, and basically re-hashed the same tired jokes from the other films."

"Are you kidding? Michael Effing Caine man??? I'm mean seriously, when he does that bit about how there are only two things he can't stand, 'Disrespect for other people's cultures and the Dutch,' I just about lost it. It's funny because the Dutch are such bungholes, you know?"

After an uncomfortably long silence Johnson interjected, "Ah, Mr. President... I believe you are Dutch, in fact I distinctively remember your wife, Hannah Hoes Van Buren speaking Dutch and dropping lines like, it'll always be New Amsterdam to me."

Syph X The Clap + Fat + DB's = Belgium"Oh that's right, I am Dutch. Well, then who the hell am I thinking of? You know the Europeans that are such annoying assholes?"


"Good god man, you've seen all the Austin Power films but you are unaware of the integration of Prussia into the common German state? Get with the times Holmes. But, no the Germans are kind of bland, but I'm thinking of one of those countries between there and France, but not the Swiss."


"Yeah, exactly! Those guys are utter pricks, kind of like the Dutch, but fatter and with more VD."

Da Roof Da Roof Da Roof is on fire.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Van Buren, when you're right, you're right. The Belgians are useless shitsticks of the worst order, and I would add that I seem to remember Dr. Evil being of Belgian descent (in the first one, when he goes into his background and upbringing) so it all makes sense in the context of the Austin Powers films. Boo. Ya. Kasha.

9:53 AM  
Blogger President Martin Van Buren said...

All though in all fairness the endive is to die for.

12:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And the waffles, and the frites. Point. Taken. But just 'cause you can cook and grow vegetables at a major league level doesn't mean you aren't a stinky Belgian dicksmack.

3:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're nothing, Van Buren, nothing! I, William Henry Harrison, was the hard cider-drinking, Indian-fighting president that Americans dreamed of. If only it wasn't for that pesky pneumonia that was going around...


1:49 AM  
Blogger President Martin Van Buren said...

Sir I take the utmost umbrage to your tone. Your description fits the great Andrew Jackson down to the shortest ball hair and sir, I knew Andrew Jackson, I worked with Andrew Jackson, you sir are no Andrew Jackson.

9:04 AM  
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