The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

June 18, 2004

Playing the Scoundrel!

A crude representation of my washwoman, EddaSometimes nothing enlivens the spirits like lying to the help.

For example, a grey and windy afternoon is bound to keep one indoors, battling drafts in close proximity to servants of all manner and disposition.

America being a land without aristocratic airs allows us to speak freely with our lowly underlings without fear of social retribution. Why even if you're a crazy poon hound a la President Jefferson and spend all day chasing slave tail you have little social stigma to fear.

Actually, she died of consumption.Anyway, when talking up the help a discussion of health is bound to enter the idle chit chat. Likely the maid, cook or washwoman will have some minor malady that plagues her. While she's complaining of a bunion, corn or a bit of bursitis fix your face with an ominous look of great concern. At the conclusion of her story implore with great gravity, "That's exactly how it began for my dearly departed wife, God rest her tortured soul." After a slight pause, turn on your heels and hastily exit the room before the hired hand can utter another sound.

Hazzah, playing the douche bag can be such fun!

Now admittedly, it does help if your wife is actually dead or at least out of town, but still--the stunned look of impending doom that will shadow her every waking moment makes the whole ruse worthwhile.

If you're gonna step, you gotta step correct.


Blogger c frigglesworthington said...

I pray, Mr. Van Buren, that we shall see more of such ravishing beauties as you have presented to-day. I have not seen such lovelines since the last printing of Uncle Grambeaux's whatfore (dot org)!

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