The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

June 30, 2004

What I would Recommend Based on Opportunities Lost

Though I've been out of electoral politics for a long while, from time to time I plan on giving my party's current candidate for President, John Kerry a few strategic recommendations on how to run a successful campaign.

If I had it to do all over again, I'd have to say that I should have personally killed some Indians, basically because, you know, "all the cool kids are doing it."

Dude, wrong Indian My predecessor, Andrew Jackson -- hero of the Battle of New Orleans, but also accomplished slayer of the red man.

I hear some of you out there saying, "but MVB, you killed lots of Indians."

Yes, my administration executed the order to forcibly move 18,000 Indians from Georgia to the Indian territories, Trail of Tears yada yada, lots of them died. And sure we fought a very unpopular war with the Seminole Indians down in F-L-A as Lou Reed use to say. But I'm talking about a more personal, kind of violence.

I mean for Pete's sake what did my VP Richard Mentor Johnson ever do? Hick from Kentucky becomes Vice President all the time right? NOOOOOOOO, the dude claimed to have personally shot Chief Tecumseh at the Battle of the Thames. Well, he must have done something else right?

Not a god damn thing.

The SOB said, "Well, I shot an important Indian, I'm done like dinner, I ain't doing anymore anything, I'm just gonna sit back and see how far this shit takes me.

The DB ends up VP.

William Henry Harrison, I beat the crap out of him in 1836 because the idiot couldn't remember to ask Daniel Webster of his own damn party to not run against him -- effing Whigs.

That's right, the Indians have Uzis 1840 rolls around, Will Double H smartens up a bit and runs the, "Sorry I forgot to mention it 4 years ago, but man have I killed a lot of Indians" campaign -- MVB gets his ass handed to him.

So in conclusion, John Kerry I recommend you start killing Indians. I mean you don't have to pull a James Madison (Father of the Constitution) and conclude every campaign speech with, "And now the part of the speech where I shoot an Indian," but one or two couldn't hurt.

I have heard some rumblings about killing some "Viet Cong" which may or may not be some kind of Algonquin, but then again it just might be one of those made-up-word, namby-pamby, homo-erotic boys clubs from Yale, which wouldn't be nearly as impressive as say an Iroquois.

Can I kick it?


Blogger Vice President Richard M. Johnson said...

I was elected VP by the Senate you dwarfish twat! If you want a piece of this then come get some 'cause I will end you. I will end you!

11:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Failed Texas Rangers Owner George W. Bush here. I have killed a lot of brown people, though not Indians. Do you think this will help me in November? Also, I traded a brown guy to the White Sox and he has gone on to be one of the biggest stars in the major leagues, albeit (yes, I know what "albeit" means--something like, um, or, um,--fine, I don't know but I think I'm using it right) with a pretty high strikeout ratio. Do you think that will help me? Every little bit counts.

11:54 AM  
Blogger Ben said...


You are an inspiration to us all.
I pray that Sen. Kerry listens to your words of wisdom.

5:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Word to Mr. VanB:

Your advice to Sen. Kerry is on the right track, but you may have failed to notice, being dead and all, that Red Indians, now known as Native Americans, have become an element, however small, of the Democratic base. Those Tammany Braves were ahead of their time.

Kerry could, however, threaten to kill some Indian Call Centers. But if Red Indians are off limits, the recent death of your successor Ronald Reagan has reminded Americans that we lately delighted in the slaying of Reds. And Sen. Kerry could aptly say, holding up his huge paws: "With these two hands I killed many Communists. All George W. Bush has killed with his own hands is a bottle of Jack Daniels, and he can't even do that anymore!"

In retrospect, perhaps you should have planted the rumor in '40 that Harrison could no longer handle his hard cider, and was reduced to drinking Log Cabin N.A.

7:05 PM  
Blogger Banjo Jones said...

Fine, Marty, you wee man. But do you think Mr. Kerry's position on "gay marriage" is a winner or loser in the upcoming election? There most certainly was a lot of man-on-man, woman-on-woman sex back when you were active in politics. How did you approach the issue in your day, and what should Mr. Kerry do?

1:19 AM  
Blogger Joshua said...

Mr. President,

You are among my favorite dead presidents for many reasons. These reasons include your mutton chops and your status as father of the Democratic Party. My favorite things about you are your various nicknames: Old Kinderhook, the Red Fox of Kinderhook and the Little Magician. However, what do you have to say about the fact that you have been born again through the Reverend Sun Myung Moon, head of the Moonie cult. The statements of all dead presidents through Nixon are here. But I will post the complete text of what you, Martin Van B, had to say about Reverend Moon on June 17, 2002:

"People on earth must receive the Messiah's direct guidance.

I candidly accept that I failed to accomplish my responsibility as the father of the nation when I was on earth. I also confess that I did not even comprehend my own existence on earth. Until now I have lived here in the spirit world experiencing numerous mental struggles and much agony over these responsibilities. How could I have lived in such ignorance as to not realize that God's eternal aspect resides within human nature and that there exists another world that is vast and eternal? God, who is our parent and who wants to live together with us for eternity, has always existed and has constantly given us his silent instructions and guidance. Words cannot describe how ashamed I am or how much I reproach myself for completely neglecting this fact. I came to know these things for a certainty through the Divine Principle.

I want to be sure to take this opportunity to tell the people on earth one thing. That is that the spirit world where every person must live forever exists for a certainty. Those who do not prepare themselves on earth for life in this world are certain to face suffering and pain here. I hope that you will come here after having walked the correct path on earth. The quickest way to do so is to receive the instructions of the Messiah, who is on earth. The Messiah in this age is Rev. Sun Myung Moon. He was sent by God. Please never forget this point."

2:28 AM  
Blogger President Martin Van Buren said...

I prefer my messiah to be semetic and handy with lumber, but fear not -- I never said that shit, and Moon is still a wacky cult leader, buying members of congress with cold hard cash stolen from sad fools.

10:12 AM  
Blogger President William Henry Harrison said...

Ah, yes, killing Indians--good times, indeed. And let us not forget my good friend Zachary Taylor, another Indian fighter who defeated one Martin Van Buren in the 1848 presidential election. However, Van Buren, you must realize that it isn't enough to be an Indian-killer. Since Jackson was the original Indian-killing player, we had to all develop our own little twist on the subject, much like a spinoff of the "Law & Order" teleplay. Taylor was an Indian-killer AND a Mexican-killer. That's a genocidal twofer right there. Me? Well, I was the original hard cider-drinking MOFO. Thus, I suggest to Mr. Kerry that he declares war on America's illegal nanny population or starts downing the Woodchuck.

10:45 AM  
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