The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

July 02, 2004

Celebrating the Fourth

The dirty Hessians are stealing your children with their luscious foodOnce again it comes time to rollick in boisterous praise of our fine and spotless Union. All over this beautiful nation Americans will celebrate our freedom from the imperfect constitutional monarchy of King George III by downing Hamburgers, Frankfurters and watered down German style beer by Budweiser.

I ask you people... in retrospect did the Hessians lose the war but win our stomachs?

In protest against the seeping encroachment of the mercenary Hun this weekend I will only be consuming truly American food stuffs.

Yes, that's right, it's a weekend of maize based (or corn if you like) Fritos and Sour Mash Whiskey for MVB.

Holla back at me now!


Blogger President William Henry Harrison said...

"Van Buren," eh? You say you are of Dutch lineage, but your name sounds rather Prussian to me. Suspicious...

Go on, Van Buren, if that is indeed you real name and fill our heads with your lies about drinking sour mash whiskey, when we all know that you will be sipping champagne, receiving a pedicure and watching a "Queer Eye for the Yankee Guy" marathon on Bravo.

You tiny little metrosexual, you.

11:56 AM  
Blogger Banjo Jones said...

What, no pemmican?

6:50 PM  
Blogger Jackson said...

Ah, yes, our plan to culturally dominate you Yanks has finally come to fruition. Is it our fault that your former overlords, the English, couldn't cook their way out of a oilcloth bag? We brought with us our humble gifts of fine spiced pork sausage, deliciously intoxicating beer and wanton death. Glad to see you've kept on with our fair traditions.


Eine Hessian Kriegenmensch

P.S. Prussia uber alles!

11:41 PM  

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