The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

July 22, 2004

I'm the Little Magician And This Is Where the Magic Happens

A man's home is a true reflection of himself.

You stay classy Washington
A tidy, yet organically stylish pad reflects confidence and immediately makes visitors both respect and feel comfortable with their host (see the White House 1837-1840).

A house that smells vaguely of vagrant urine and is littered with cigarette burns might indicate you've entered the home of a borderline psychotic, an ex-member of GN'R or some hybrid thereof (i.e. Andrew Jackson madman, 19th Century Rock Star).

However, most people try to construct their home in complete artifice -- as a statement of what they think other people want them to be. As the delightful former first lady and matriarch of Washington society, Dolly Madison, used to say, "that's complete bush league crapola".

Looks reputable Becker doesn't know shit
My advice has always been to strive for authenticity and expertise. For example, when seeking out a footstool, try to buy one from an actual Ottoman. My good friend Gary returned from a trip to Europe one autumn with a footstool he was very proud of.

SOOOOOO GAY!!!! The piece of crap lasted a month and fell completely apart. Turns out he mistook a Belgian wearing a fez and blackface for an actual Turk. As Dolly Madison said, "the fact that he bought it at a waffle shop outside of Antwerp should have clued him in he was getting effed in the a," but live and learn I guess.

If all else fails, consult a homosexual of some interior design repute, like the dude on Queer Eye or James Buchanan.

One and two and three and to tha four


Blogger Ben said...

Mr. President--

I felt compelled to write.
1) Thank you for all that you do on your blog. I now know the proper procedure for purchasing a footstool.

2) I really must know: which Degrassi character are you?Fondly,


1:58 PM  
Blogger President Martin Van Buren said...

Degrassi, is that some kind of Hopi? Perhaps a Souix?

4:57 PM  
Blogger Joshua said...

Martin (can I call you Martin?),

I have recently become aware that my little sovereign nation of Fagistan appears in your "Other Resources" Section. This makes me as happy as Millard Fillmore at Zachary Taylor's funeral. Had I been aware of your adoration of me and my people (James Buchanan aside, natch) I'd have certainly placed you much higher on my List of Greatest Presidents. With this move you have just kicked Franklin Roosevelt's palsied legs right out from under him. Hurrah for MVB!

9:59 PM  
Blogger President Martin Van Buren said...

I'm going to be honest, I don't read your blog that often, but it is probably the best-named blog on the net.

And I'm not saying all gay guys are interior designers, most of the trappers and "mountain men" I've encountered over the years were also gay, but Buchanan really knew his twall and also loved the dudes.

12:58 PM  

But Matty Van, Buchanon was a tacky bastard. The only thing he tastefully decorated was the White House barn (really) which he had built. His niece, Ms Lane, kept house, such that it was.

In fact the Buchanon WH was so shoddy that that old money taste maven, Mrs. Lincoln, expressed horror when she saw its condition.

2:52 PM  
Blogger President Martin Van Buren said...

I sure she did, she was one crazy bitch.


4:53 PM  
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4:36 AM  

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