The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

July 19, 2004

NASCAR Is for Pussies

Looks French

What's the big news out of the world athletic competition today?

Dale Earnhardt Jr. has "moderate-sized burns of moderate intensity" that he sustained when crashing his motor-carriage somewhere in a race in the God forsaken wilderness of Spanish California.

Number 1, it seems to me the motor carriage is doing all the work here. Many times did I journey from Washington to Albany in the passenger carriage of a locomotive train, and rarely did I feel victorious if we beat an alternative locomotive into the station. In either case, while NASCAR may be a game of sport, it hardly seems athletic--but I digress.

My real point is that I suspect this competition is very popular among young girls, the French and the gays you here so much about these days that to me are virtually indistinguishable from the before mentioned French.

"Moderate-sized burns of a moderate intensity"?!?!?

Is MR. Jr. injured or did he fall asleep in the sun?

Now I hear you, you're saying, "but MVB, his father died in a horseless carriage race."

Exactly my point, Mr. Sr. struck the wall with such force that he was almost instantly killed without suffering.

Gary, straight pimpin
My friend Gary used to frequent (and by frequent I mean gamble heavily there upon) wagon races generally featuring the Irish, with the occasional French-Canadian or half-Indian. One time Gary and I attended such a competition outside of Buffalo. In the second lap of the race, an Irishman threw a bowie knife in the back of one of his competitors. This unfortunate soul fell out of his wagon and was trampled by the proceeding 5 teams of horses and at least two wagons. He lived another 6 weeks in a semi-lucid state filled with opium and whisky with a body roughly the consistency of bread pudding.

Anyway you slice it, that my friend is a sport for dudes.

So I came to her room and opened the door

Oh, snap! Guess what I saw?

A fella tongue-kissin' my girl in the mouth,

I was so in shock my heart went down south


Blogger Isabella said...

Proof that historical distance lends accurate perspective.

Don't fret, things worked out for Simon & Garfunkel.

4:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The greatest writen rant of all time? Probably. Hairy- back nascar jersey's are okay. I would've prefered seeing the word 'FRANZ' shaved into it but what can you do? Dale Jr IS a pussy--I'm glad you had the stones to write what probably only 1000 true geniuses were thinking. Cheers MVB.


8:30 PM  
Blogger Sports Junky said...

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check it out if something like this interests you.
heres a link
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They just released IPO'S for Nascar this week, so there are alot of good deals there.

Keep up the good work on your blog!

2:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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(There is a PayPal link on the "car badge" page, Or you may mail a check.)

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