The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

July 27, 2004

The problem of full employement

Often times I hear people complain about the number of available jobs in the economic circumstances of that particular age or geography.

My first reaction, is that while there may be many a cruel taskmaster, factory owner or corrupt merchant, this is America babycakes, we got the full-on entrepreneurial spirit, if you can't find a job you gotta make your own way to pay.

Take my friend Gary for example.

Gary under one of his many aliasesGary is a complete eff-up with the addict’s trifecta of gambling, booze and whores. So natch, from time to time Gary runs in to financial difficulties, lacking the monetary means to pay off a bookie, bar tab or cudgel wielding pimp.

One time George Clinton (the former governor of New York and Vice President, not Dr. Funkanstein of mothership fame) even threatened to cut off his left nut if he didn't make good on a loan.

At any rate, Gary always needed money, and being a scallywag, had no skills whatsoever.

So what did he do?

That's right, pretended to be a dentist.

Contrary to popular belief being a dentist is easy and requires almost no skill and very little sense.

Whenever Gary needed money, he'd simply pack up his bag of sharp pointy objects that look vaguely useful, a fake name, his mail order dentistry degree from Penn (Ivy League my ass) and head off to a country township where he was unknown.

After a couple of days of drilling, prodding, making gums bleed, thoughtful nodding at patients complaints, groping the hot chicks knocked out on morphine and usually bedding the mayor's daughter, he'd skip town with enough ducats to hold him over or at least save his life for a few more weeks.

If you hear any noise, it's just me and the boys.


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