The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

July 29, 2004

Rev. Al, Definitely Not a Unitarian

I must say when they announced at last night's convention that a minster was going to speak, I was all like, "BOOOORRRRRIIINNNG."


You see, I was expecting a Ralph Waldo Unitarian type or worse yet some Cotton Mather wannabe talking about heaven and hell.


That, however is not the good Rev. Sharpton's style. The following is the text of his speech, which while long is worth the read, print it out and save it if you have too. (ed note: dervivates of the words mutha fucka have been inserted where appropriate for emphasis.)

Thank you mutha fuckas.


Tonight I want to address my remarks in two parts.

One, I'm honored to address the mutha fuckin delegates here.

Last Friday, I had the experience in mutha fuckin Detroit of hearing that mutha fucka, President George Bush make a speech. And in the speech, he asked certain questions. I hope he's watching tonight. I would like to answer your questions, mutha fucka. Bad ass mutha fucka

To the mutha fuckin chairman, our mutha fuckin delegates, and all the mutha fuckas that are assembled, we're honored and glad to be here mutha fuckin 2night.

I'm glad to be joined by supporters and mutha fuckas from around the country. I'm glad to be joined by my mutha fuckin family, Kathy, Dominique, mutha fucka will be 18, and Ashley.


We are here 228 mutha fuckin years after right here in Boston we fought to establish the freedoms of America. The first person to die in the Revolutionary War is buried not far from here, a Black mutha fucka from Barbados, named Crispus "mutha fuckin" Attucks.

 
Forty years ago, in 1964, Fannie Lou Hamer and the Mississippi Freedom mutha fuckin Democratic Party stood at the Democratic convention in mutha fuckin Atlantic City fighting to preserve voting rights for all America and all Democrats, regardless of mutha fuckin race or gender.

 
Hamer's stand inspired Dr. King's march in Selma, which brought about the mutha fuckin Voting Rights Act of 1965.

Twenty years ago, my favorite mutha fucka, Reverend Jesse Jackson stood at the Democratic National Convention in San Francisco, again, appealing to the preserve those freedoms.


Tonight, we stand with those freedoms at risk and our security as citizens in question.
I have come here tonight to say, that the only choice we have to preserve our freedoms at this point in history is to elect John "mutha fuckin" Kerry the mutha fuckin President of the mutha fuckin United States.


I stood with both John Kerry and that other mutha fucka, John Edwards on over 30 occasions during the primary season. I not only debated them, I watched them, I observed their deeds, I looked into their eyes. I am convinced that they are men who say what they mean and mean what they say.


I'm also convinced that at a time when a vicious spirit in the body politic of this country that attempts to undermine America's freedoms -- our civil rights, and civil liberties -- we must leave this city and go forth and organize this nation for victory for our party and John Kerry and John Edwards in November. You listin' mutha fuckas?  This shit is about to get good.


And let me quickly say, this is not just about winning a mutha fuckin election. It's about preserving the mutha fuckin principles on which this very mutha fuckin nation was founded.


Look at the current view of our mutha fuckin nation worldwide as a results of our mutha fuckin unilateral foreign policy. We went from unprecedented international support and solidarity on September 12, 2001, to hostility and hatred as we stand here tonight. We can't survive in the world by ourselves.

How did we squander this mutha fuckin opportunity to unite the world for democracy and to commit to a global fight against hunger and disease?


This court has voted five to four on critical issues of women's rights and civil rights. It is frightening to think that the gains of civil and women rights and those mutha fuckin movements in the last century could be reversed if this mutha fuckin administration is in the White House in these next four years.


I suggest to you tonight that if mutha fuckin George Bush had selected the mutha fuckin court in mutha fuckin '54, that supreme mutha fucka Clarence Thomas would have never got to mutha fuckin law school. MUTHA FUCKA!


This is not about a mutha fuckin party. This is about living up to the promise of America. The mutha fuckin promise of America says we will guarantee quality education for all children and not spend more money on mutha fuckin metal detectors than computers in our schools.

Keep Hope Mutha Fuckin ALIVE!!!
The promise of America guarantees health care for all of its citizens and doesn't force seniors to travel to bitch ass Canada (ed note: Canada is more of a bitch ass) to buy prescription drugs they can't afford here at mutha fuckin home.

 
We did it with a go-it-alone foreign policy based on flawed mutha fuckin intelligence. We were told that we were going to Iraq because there were weapons of mass destruction. We've lost hundreds of mutha fuckin soldiers. We've spent $200 billion dollars at a time when we had record state deficits. And when it became clear that there were no mutha fuckin weapons, they changed the mutha fuckin premise for the mutha fuckin war and said: No mutha fuckas, we went because of other mutha fuckin reasons.  BITCHES I'M TELLIN YOU THAT IS BULL MUTHA FUCKIN SHIT!


If I told you mutha fuckas tonight, Let's leave the mutha fuckin Fleet Center, we're in danger, and when you get outside, you ask me, mutha fucka, What is the danger? and I say, It don't mutha fuckin matter. We just needed some fresh air, I have misled you and we were mutha fuckin misled.

We are also faced with the prospect of in the next four years that two or more of the Supreme Mutha Fuckin Court Justice seats will become available. This year we celebrated the mutha fuckin anniversary of Brown v. the Board of Education.

The promise of America provides that those who work in our health care system can afford to be hospitalized in the very mutha fuckin beds they clean up every day.

The promise of America is that the mutha fuckin government does not seek to regulate your behavior in the bedroom, but to guarantee your right to provide food in the mutha fuckin kitchen.


The issue of government is not to determine what mutha fuckas may sleep together in the bedroom, it's to help those mutha fuckas that might not be eating in the kitchen.


The promise of America that we stand for human rights, whether it's fighting against mutha fuckin slavery in the Sudan, where right now Joe "mutha fuckin" Madison and others are fasting, around what is going on in the Sudan; AIDS in Lesotho; a police misconduct in this mutha fuckin country.


The promise of America is one immigration policy for all who seek to enter our shores, whether they come from mutha fuckin Mexico, mutha fuckin Haiti or bitch ass Canada, there must be one set of mutha fuckin rules for everybody.


We cannot welcome those to come and then try and act as though any mutha fuckin culture will not be respected or treated inferior. We cannot look at the mutha fuckin Latino community and preach one language. No one gave them an English test before they sent them to mutha fuckin Iraq to fight for mutha fuckin America.


The promise of America is that every citizen vote is mutha fuckin counted and mutha fuckin protected, and mutha fuckin election schemes do not decide the election.
It, to me, is a glaring contradiction that we would fight, and rightfully so, to get the right to vote for the people in the capital of Iraq in mutha fuckin Baghdad, but still don't give the mutha fuckin federal right to vote for the people in the capital of the United States, in Washington, D.C.

 
Mr. President, as I mutha fuckin close, Mr. President, I heard you mutha fuckin say Friday that you had questions for voters, particularly African- American mutha fuckas. And you asked the question: Did the Democratic Party take us for mutha fuckin granted? Well, I have raised questions. But let me answer your question.
You said the Republican Party was the party of Lincoln and Frederick Douglass. It is true that Mr. Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation, after which there was a commitment to give 40 acres and a mutha fuckin mule.

 
That's where the argument, to this day, of mutha fuckin reparations starts. We never got the 40 acres. We went all the way to Herbert "mutha fuckin" Hoover, and we never got the mutha fuckin 40 acres.


We didn't get the mutha fuckin mule. So we decided we'd ride this mutha fuckin donkey as far as it would take us, BITCH!


Mr. President, you said would we have more leverage if both parties got our mutha fuckin votes, but we didn't come this far playing political games. It was those that mutha fuckin earned our vote that got our vote. We got the Civil Rights Act under a mutha fuckin Democrat. We got the Voting Rights Act under a mutha fuckin Democrat. We got the right to organize under mutha fuckin Democrats.

 
Mr. President, the reason we are fighting so hard, the reason we took Florida so seriously, is our right to vote wasn't gained because of our mutha fuckin age. Our vote was soaked in the blood of martyrs, soaked in the blood of good men (inaudible) soaked in the blood of four little girls in Birmingham. This vote is sacred to us mutha fuckas.

 
This mutha fuckin vote can't be bargained away.

This mutha fuckin vote can't be given away.


Mr. President, in all due respect, Mr. President, read my mutha fuckin lips: Our M-U-T-H-A F-U-C-K-I-N vote is not for muthafuckin sale.

 
And there's a whole generation of young mutha fuckas that have come forward across this country that stand on integrity and stand on their traditions, those that have emerged with John Kerry and John Edwards as partners, like Greg "mutha fuckin" Meeks, like Barack "mutha fuckin" Obama, like our voter registration director, Marjorie "mutha fuckin" Harris, like those that are in the trenches.


And we come with strong mutha fuckin family values. Family mutha fuckin values is not just those with two-car garages and a retirement plan. Retirement plans are good. But family mutha fuckin values also are those who had to make nothing stretch into something happening, who had to make mutha fuckin ends meet.


I was raised by a single mother who made a way for me. She used to mutha fuckin scrub floors as a domestic worker, put a cleaning rag in her mutha fuckin pocketbook and ride the subways in Brooklyn so I would have food on mutha fuckin the table.

But she taught me as I walked her to the subway that life is about not where you start, but where you're mutha fuckin going. That's family mutha fuckin values bitch.

 
And I wanted somebody in my community -- I wanted to show that example. As I ran for mutha fuckin president, I hoped that one child would come out of the mutha fuckin ghetto like I did, could look at me walk across the stage with governors and senators and know they didn't have to be a mutha fuckin drug dealer, they didn't have to be a mutha fuckin hoodlum, they didn't have to be a mutha fuckin gangster, they could stand up from a broken home, on welfare, and they could run for mutha fuckin president of the mutha fuckin United States.

 
As you know, I live in the big mutha fucka, New York. I was there mutha fuckin September 11th when that despicable mutha fuckin act of terrorism happened.


A few days after, I left home, my family had taken in a young man who lost his family. And as they gave comfort to him, I had to do a radio show that morning. When I got there, my mutha fucka James Entome (ph) said, mutha fucka, we're going to stop at a certain mutha fuckin hour and play a mutha fuckin song, synchronized with 990 other mutha fuckin stations.

I said, That's fine mutha fucka.

He said, We're dedicating it to the victims of 9/11.

I said, What mutha fuckin song are you playing?


He said America the mutha fuckin Beautiful. The particular station I was at, the played that rendition song by Ray "mutha fuckin" Charles.


As you know, we lost Ray a few weeks ago, but I sat there that morning and listened to Ray sing through those mutha fuckin speakers, Oh beautiful for spacious skies, for amber waves of mutha fuckin grain, for purple mutha fuckin mountains' majesty across the fruited mutha fuckin plain.

 
And it occurred to me as I heard Ray singing, that Ray wasn't singing about what he mutha fuckin knew, because Ray had been a blind mutha fucka since he was a mutha fuckin child. He hadn't seen many mutha fuckin purple mountains. He hadn't seen many fruited mutha fuckin plains. He was singing about what he believed to be.
Mr. President, we love mutha fuckin America, not because all of us have seen the mutha fuckin beauty all the time.


But we believed if we kept on mutha fuckin working, if we kept on mutha fuckin marching, if we kept on voting, if we kept on believing, we would make America beautiful for everybody.


Starting in November, let's make America mutha fuckinbeautiful again.
Thank you. And God bless you bitch ass mutha fuckas.

Straight out of compton, crazy mutha fucka named ICE CUBE.



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Amazing the improvement a crazy mutha fucka can effect with one word. Mutha fuckin beautiful. We read this aloud at about 2am last night. Thanks.

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