The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

August 30, 2004

Hey Gipper, ME FIRST!

Perhaps you've heard of the effort supported by many conservatives to name everything, everywhere after Ronald Reagan. They were going to try and replace FDR on the dime with Ronnie, but Nancy said that was a dumb idea because FDR was Teflon Ron's hero.

Now they've moved on to the $10 bill, I guess making Aaron Burr fans very excited.

The bottom line here is this is a terrible idea, mainly because Reagan only died this year. I died in 1862 and I barely have shit named after me. Sure a few counties, some high schools, the occasional street -- don't get me wrong I like it, but I'll be damned if a b-movie actor gets some money before me.

Ronnie however, has a lot of living rich friends and crazed disciples -- in short resources. I've got a shitty free blog.

So here's what I propose, go to the Reagan legacy project site and borrow their write in campaign interface, but replace the "put Reagan on the ten dollar bill bs" with the following:

Subject: Reagan on the $10 Bill

President Martin Van Buren is way cooler than Ronald Reagan, even though they are both quite dead.

Some people think Ronald Reagan brought communism to its knees, but then again it could have just been their own bloated and corrupt infrastructure falling in on itself and he could have just slept through the '80s.

So why bother naming anything after Ronald Reagan? Especially when so few things are named after Martin Van Buren, who as we noted before is way cooler than Reagan.

I do think America must make sure that future generations never forget what President Reagan did. Make monkey movies; sell arms to Iran, Iraq, and the Afghanistani mujahideen who became Al Qaeda. Oh yeah, he also took lots of naps.

But that can be done over email or with encyclopedias; you don't need to re-name schools, airports or currency with his picture to remember that.

The time is right to not put Reagan on our currency. FDR, Eisenhower and JFK were all on currency less than a year from their deaths. But they were good Presidents. Martin Van Buren died in 1862, and still hasn't gotten his due -- WTF?

Please don't support the effort to put Reagan on the $10 bill! Instead lets make a new bill like, $12 or maybe the $500 so that Puff Daddy can still carry crazy cash but have a lighter wallet. Oh, don't forget the new money should totally have Martin Van Buren on it.

That would be awesome.

If we all get together with one voice as Americans we can build up my ego at the expense of another dead President!

Get a box of Newports and Puma sweats

August 27, 2004

I'd buy one

It's like buying a large red penis, who wouldn't want that?

I don't know why GM pulled this Corvette ad off the air.

I've never been in a car, don't know how to drive, been dead since 1862 and I'm seriously thinking of getting one.

I mean clearly the kid in the ad has a huge schwantz, you can just tell by looking at his car. It's so obvs, it's schmobvs.

Accentuate your manhood anyway you can, that's what MVB says.

If it takes a $35,000 car, then so be it.

Then she bit me

August 26, 2004

It's all about me baby, me

As I've often said, the electrophonic confines of my computational limbo can be a little dull. It often feels like I refresh Gawker and whatevs like a thousand time a day just to see if they've got any new buzz. They only thing worse is googling one's self all day to see if there is anything you don't know about yourself or that you don't know other people know.

But being in the unique position of being a statesmen of some renowned, I thought today, "hey, I could eBay myself."

There was all sorts of crap up there, campaign items, engravings, etc. It's a little disappointing that the first edition of my political biography is only going for $9.99, of course it was written before I was President and is hence a little incomplete.

But hold your horses, what's that... one of my letter's is worth $4,500! That's a nice piece of coin for a stupid letter, hell my emails must be worth at least a couple hundred don't you think? I mean they aren't as rare as photos of TMFTML, but they're not in wide circulation either.

Oh, I guess someone's already thought of that!

How enterprising that Gorilla would put our correspondence up for sale! That young man is going places.

I tell you what's some bull shit though, James K Polk's signature is worth $12,000! $7500 more than mine, for the Mexican fighting Polk? That's such crap.

California, knows how to party

August 25, 2004

Ten is more than none

Ten Nobel Prize winners in economics have endorsed John Kerry stating that President Bush's, "poorly designed" tax cuts that instead of creating jobs have turned budget surpluses into enormous budget deficits, a "fiscal irresponsibility threatens the long-term economic security and prosperity of our nation." In other news President Bush was endorsed by a group of NASCAR Dad's who all agree that Chick-Fil-A on Main and Kennedy might be a target for A-rab terrorists because of it's central location and importance to the local waffle fry distribution and consumption.

In other news, it has been pointed out that George Bush sr. wrote in his book, "A World Transformed," that a full-out invasion of Iraq would probably be difficult and come at great physical and human costs. "Had we gone the invasion route, the United States could conceivably still be an occupying power in a bitterly hostile land. It would have been a dramatically different — and perhaps barren — outcome."

This is of course utterly ridiculous and incomprehensible. There is no way after 6 years on the market anyone actually read all the way to chapters 18 and 19 of this book. Even if you were only skimming, I defy you to read more than four pages without falling asleep.

La-di-da-di, we like to party

We don't cause trouble, we don't bother nobody

August 23, 2004

Science Marches On!

On the left, George Washington, on the right, the special addition George Washington with super day-glo cobalt skinResearchers at President Washington's home at Mount Vernon are trying to piece together every available fragment of information available on the father of our country's actual appearance. Data includes hair samples, his clothes, numerous written descriptions, and of course art work featuring his likeness.

So far all evidence points to the fact that HE LOOKED AN EFFIN' LOT LIKE GEORGE EFFIN' WASHINGTON!

They even considered exhuming his corpse to be able to build forensic models from his bones. Jeez Louise, how about instead of desecrating the tomb of a national hero you just look at a dollar bill? Hell, even better I'll give you four quarters for that dollar bill and you and three of your friends can get an idea of what he looked like.

I am so glad I had those daguerreotypes made of me. I just wanted everyone to remember how natty I looked in wool, the added bonus is that it keeps some grad student from fondling my remains.

Grab my 40-ounce and then I reminisce

About a brother who had to be the one and only

So I dedicate this to my dead homiez...

August 20, 2004

Crazy is the new black

I treat my bipolar disorder with thousands of Cuban cigarsWatch out now, JANE PAULIE use to be crazy!!!

I'm sure this revelation has nothing to do with her up coming talk show.

Crazy Michael JacksonSTOP CALLING ME CRAZY!!! doesn't want to be called "wacko" anymore, but he is considering buying a mansion in Liechtenstein. Liechtensteinening police are reportedly preparing a kiddie porn search warrant just in case Wacko Jacko follows through with his crazy plan.

I'm the Jesus of fingertip pushups, but with extra crazy!
Octogenarian nutjob and fitness guru Jack LaLain compares himself to Jesus and not some Puerto Rican guy neither, but the actual Christ. Better keep the crack out of the juicer you crazy fuck!

now I’m the rashiki smokin the lick licky

10 freaky girls inside the chin tiki

August 19, 2004

The begining of the end of the end, but not quite the end

In a stunning case of trying to ruin everybody's good time for the umpteenth time, teachers are apparently starting to use blogs to teach kids.

According to their fellow fun governors over at the New York Times,

For teachers, blogs are attractive because they require little effort to maintain, unlike more elaborate classroom Web sites, which were once heralded as a boon for teaching. Helped by templates found at sites like and, teachers can build a blog or start a new topic in an existing blog by simply typing text into a box and clicking a button.

For me this is the equivalent of Daniel Webster ruining a national holiday bill with an 8 hour filibuster on the American Work Ethic or your mom asking you to turn up the Van Halen song that you were sure she would hate.

Blogs my friends aren't for good uses like learning or earnst political discussion. Dean proved that baby. He had a "successful" blog and where is he now? Right, giving speeches to shit farmers in support of someone else's campaign. Blogs are for pictures of your drunk friends, berating Paris Hilton's sexual experiences, talking about hatred for formerly obscure Scottish bands that have hit on TRL and how you loath them, fake stories of drug abuse, people you've always wanted to call a douche in person, but never had the courage to acctually call a douche so you type it, you know important shit.

Next thing you'll know they'll have porn models holding up flash cards over all the good parts to further exploit the educational value of the web.

Purposeful blogs, MVB says no buzz.

Oh my god it's a mirage

August 18, 2004

The Voice of Experience

This is the story of the...The after effects of hurricane Charley seem to be mounting. In the days and weeks to come this terrible tragedy could escalate to what most of you would consider epic proportions. But to those of us from the 19th century this kind of living is just another day with poo-infested drinking water.

In that light, here's a few pointers I have for surviving without all the typical modern conveniences Floridians are use to enjoying.

1. If you find a body, carcass or segmentation of carrion in your well, stream or other source of fresh water (Absopure delivery truck?), yell at it to see if it is dead. Poking it with a stick is probably just going to open it up, releasing puss, pestilence and otherwise nasty gore. I also hear boiling water is good, but I don't drink water so I wouldn't really know.

2. If you do contract cholera seek medical attention and drink plenty of fluids. As in preventing prison rape, corking your butthole really doesn't help the situation and may in fact make it worse.

4. If you are concerned the food you have may be rotten, soaking it in sour-mash whiskey BEFORE you eat it may kill some of the offending bacteria. Soaking it in whiskey after you eat it will likely only exacerbate your situation. But you will get super-ripped.

5. It is okay to laugh at a city named for the Spanish words for "fat ass" (Punta Gorda) getting a collective case of the green apple splatters.

Cholera prevention is the shit
6. One-way to avoid mosquitoes caring diseases like malaria, West Nile and uh... Parkinson’s, is to close all your windows to keep out the bugs and light your house on fire. You see it's a scientific fact that mosquitoes hate smoke. If your house was destroyed in the hurricane, your neighbor's house will probably work in a pinch.

7. Over exerting yourself in the cleanup effort may induce a heart attack or stroke, so don't fix anything, the next hurricane is just going to fuck it all up again anyway.

Hurricane you got clout

Other DJ's he'll put your head out

August 17, 2004

Word up

Great Republican National Convention Ad



Dedicated to 86ing George W. Bush in 2004

August 13, 2004

It's Inflation Yo.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, there's really nothing much new under the sun.

Take for example the issue of brutality from officers of state--people rail against it like it's something new, but ask the brother who got shot by the red coats in the Boston Massacre and he'd tell you a different story... if he had survived being shot... and then it really wouldn't have been a Massacre... and I probably wouldn't bring it up.

Kinderhook cops, Kinderhook cops, Kinderhook cops, they ain't too smartAnyway, back in Kinderhook we had a very well intentioned constable by the name of Milhouse Van Houten (I know just like the Simpson’s, but obvs not the same guy). Constable Van Houten was very conscientious and one day he asked for my advice on the constitutionality of beating a man with cudgel, since I was an ex-President.

I firmly stated that we should review the broad circumstances of a constable pummeling and apply the standard set forth in the 8th Amendment.

First off did the SOB on the short end of the cudgel have it coming? Did his actions warrant a "punishment", in this case a beat down with a sizeable wooden weapon?

Second, was the beating cruel or did the constable stop a few licks short of cruel or at least pull up on the later hits?

Finally, even if the douchebag got a full-on-uber-smack-down, qualifying perhaps as cruel, was the punishment unusual?

that's what I'm talking about"Clearly, Constable Van Houten a violent beatdown with a hunk of wood is not that uncommon. It happens all the time. Why just the other day I smacked an umpire in the head with a bat at my over 50 rounders game--perfectly constitutional, since I was safe and the ump was a cockface."

This whole recollection got me thinking, "I wonder what a decent cudgel goes for these days?"

Would you believe the cheapest I could find on froogle was $89.95? That's a whole bunch of dead prez for simple damn cudgel.

I mean yeah, there was this piece of crap on eBay somebody was passing off as a cudgel for $11, but that my friend is just a long stick, not a cudgel. I wouldn't even beat my kids with that piece of crap.

Well it was a Wednesday

Me and Boss Hog was kinda hungry

August 12, 2004

God is trying to give you a message

NO BUZZSometimes you just have to accept that there is a higher power in the universe and that sometimes he's trying to deliver a message to you through dramatic means.

So for example if you were The Black Eyed Peas' and your studio burnt down to the ground in the middle of recording your new album, you should just quit music and accept that God is telling you that you haven't had any buzz since "Joints and Jam" on the Bullworth Soundtrack and that adding Fergie was totally lame.

The lord works in mysterious ways, granted insurance fraud arson for hire isn't his usual M.O, but it's the lord. And he's mysterious.

What are you going to do?

Pass the joint

Pass the Jam

Turn that shit up

Play it again

August 11, 2004

Pulling a Badly Drizzed Biz

Holding out for Brit BritA hundred-year-old Kabbalah scholah is turning Madonna down!

Rabbi Keduri won't meet with her when she visits Isreal next month because it is his opinion that women and non-Jews are not allowed to study Kabbalah... oh and huge whores, they aren't allowed to either, I almost forgot the last part of the Material Girl trifecta.

I also suspect that he's concerned that all the hoopla Madge has brought to his faith might bring notice to the fact that it's a huge pile of mystical-crap hiding behind the guise of the legitimate religious ethos of Judaism.

Word is that the Rabbi said Swept Away was an unholy on-screen disaster!Dude's gotta a good thing going, why Hollywood wants to mooch in on his particular brand of scamola is beyond me.

Unless it's somehow connected to their quest to drape their vapid, empty souls in the trappings of higher meaning... plus the red string draws attention to the quality of one's manicure, so it's got that going for it too.

You'd rather see me in the pen

Then me and Lorenzo rollin in the Benzo

August 10, 2004

Could you be a little more specific?

Ralph is so hot right nowWe are truly a nation of the special.

Special ed, blue-plate specials, after school specials, special interests, I could go for hours.

Everybody's got an angle, a unique little view on the world and in that light I want to present you with the Muslims For Nader blog's link to a Mumia Abu Jamal article.

I know what you are saying, but MVB how can you call this a niche? Muslims for Nader that alone is like teens of people, perhaps dozens. And who doesn't like Free Mumia?

Oh, you aren't giving away Mumia? He's a guy on death row? Oh, I get the connection now, I thought it was some kind of Polynesian food give-away. Like free poi with every coconut or something like that.

I could have swore that crap by the purple stuff was MumiaAnyway, like I was saying, what's got more broad based appeal than the combo of Islam, Nader and a guy who probably killed a cop, but who we want free cause he articulates our hatred of "the man" in a marginally successful fashion?

Oh, I don't know, discount steak for Buddhists?

I asked for Adidas and she bought me Zips!

August 09, 2004

Buzzless in D.C.

When I was Secretary of State for President Andrew Jackson we would often start our morning meetings with the "Tennessee" version of a continental breakfast, various fried, sugary doughs and coffee so strong it'd make you "slap your grandpappy down".

keep your boys covered pleaseDuring one of these morning meetings Vice President John C. Calhoun and I became embroiled in a debate as to which of us had made the superior breakfast choice.

I of course was on the side of the light and crispy apple fritter on my plate and Calhoun, ever the douche bag, was attempting to defend some cakey piece of crap with sprinkles that he only selected because he was late to the meeting and didn't want the only other option, a day old half of a bran muffin.

The President stood silently through our argument merely gazing out into the rose garden seemingly unaware of our conversation.

Then after a moment of silence the President solemnly intoned, "So you two like doughnuts?"

He quickly spun around and said, "Then how you like deez nuts?" Then revealing the scrotum-in-chief.

As Damore often says, "no buzz."

I didn't even have to use my AK, I gotta say it was a good day.

August 06, 2004

Understanding Your Target Market

Don squeezes out another terdDon Henley recently angered some of his fans in the O.C. by engaging in a mid-concert diatribe about the injustice his good buddy and former boss, Linda Rondstadt, suffered in Las Vegas when her casino gig and even her hotel room were pulled out from under her for promoting Fahrenheit 9/11.

Apparently, a bunch of people walked out of the show in disgust. It's an excellent example of the first amendment in action. Henley has the right to speak his mind and his audience likewise registered their disagreement in a non-violent, yet demonstrable fashion.

And let's face it Henley is easily one of the most irritating, grating and obnoxious celebrity politicos this side of Nancy Reagan. He talked about saving Walden Pond so damn much eventually the guys on the Green Peace boat were like, "You know what? Fuck it. Pave the bitch. Just fill the fucker with cement and call it a day."

PLAY WITCHY WOMAN!!!But the real issue here is that Henley fails to realize that people who like his music also blow the proverbial "donkey-dick". Who in this day and age can honestly rock out to "Boys of Summer" or "Any Eagles Song That isn't the Joe Walsh part in Hotel California"?

Clearly only assholes.

Starched colar-45-year-old-CPA types who plan on a wild night at a "rock" concert by wearing a golf shirt (GET THIS) not on a golf course and maybe having a margarita with the wife. These are the kind of people who find Nora Jones a little too up-tempo and intense.

In short, Henley shouldn't be surprised that half of America seems indignantly oblivious to obvious faults of the current administration, these are the same people that have been acculturated to appreciate schlock in all it's many forms... Eagles Greatest Hits 1 & 2 for example.

Gonna make you sweat 'til you bleed
Is that dope enough?

August 05, 2004

Guess what I heard?

Ringo is my Favorite Los Lonley Boy, because he likes to wear a headband while sucking assDUDE LOS LONELY BOYS ARE EFFIN' GAY, AND I OUGHT TO KNOW!

I heard you bought the Los Lonely Boys album and were rocking out to it all the way home from Best Buy!

Seers, even John Quincy Adams wouldn't rock that shit and he was just a half-tard, recovering drunk pimping his dad's good name for shits and giggles.


August 04, 2004

Return of the Mack


Some say Peabs is even crazier than my friend Gary.

All I know is that they both share a penchant for inebreation, whores and comidic negros.

She said I'll be your queen if you know what I mean and lets do the wild thing.


How much for the American women, your daughter, sell us your children!

I can hardly believe my deep-blue, seductively strong and unusually perceptive eyes!!!

That is our President clearly conspiring with foreign generals.

I don't recognize the exact insignia, perhaps they are those Alsatian mercenaries the Holy Roman Emperor values so much, the one on the far right could be... Bohemian maybe? And I do believe the one in the middle is Captain Crunch!!!!

Soon our shores will be over run by this Holy-Roman-Mercenary-Cereal-Eating-Vaguely-Eastern-European-Intellectual-Horde!!!!

Color painted daguerreotypes don't lie my friends we have a full blown Benedict Arnold in our midst and I ain't talkin' about Pat Morita.

You better check yo self fool!

August 03, 2004

You gotts to be shittin me!

W Ketchup has recently become available on the market.

That's right folks, a real honest to god republican ketchup is finally available!

I can see the brainstorming session now:

Hey Susie, how many people out there are stupid enough to think Kerry's wife is the owner of ketchup factories?

Gee Bob, I don't know, it's clearly a publicly traded company, but then again a shit load of people still think Iraq had something to do with 9/11.

Ummmhmm, and Jesus made the top 5 of the most popular Americans in History--I mean, he's a nice guy, son of God and all, but clearly a first century Jew.

Okay, that takes care of the self-delusional and mid-Ameritards, but can't we really blow this thing out?



Assholes. They'll buy anything to bring attention to what utter douche bags they are.

Good call and if the db's don't carry their share we can always dump the excess capacity on Halliburton to serve to the troops.

Yeah, but we'd have to at least quadruple the price first.

$12 bottles of ketchup... Hey this business plan is coming together!!

Yeah between this and our oil organically drilled in small batches by hippies in Vermont we can afford to get citzenship in the Caymans!

Open up your mouth if you want the food

Take in full, Flipmode, cuz I'm in the mood

August 02, 2004

Iraq didn't even have one fighting monkey!

White girls be wary of the monkey armyColor me amazed!

When I glossed over a yahoo article this morning and deduced from my brief scan that Thailand was training an army of super-ape warriors I was shocked.

In my day, I once had the pleasure of meeting the King of Siam on one of his western jaunts.

Can Siam be trusted?He was a lovely fellow, majestic, regal, bald, always quoting Harriet Beecher Stowe... but oh man did he like the white girls!

I tell you what, that's probably why they've got the monkey army!

The heavily armed apes will come and carry off our women like hairy, 400 lbs. Apache!

If there was ever a time for pre-emptive war, and there isn't, this would be it.

The mac dad will make you jump jump

The daddy mac will make you jump jump