The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

August 30, 2004

Hey Gipper, ME FIRST!

Perhaps you've heard of the effort supported by many conservatives to name everything, everywhere after Ronald Reagan. They were going to try and replace FDR on the dime with Ronnie, but Nancy said that was a dumb idea because FDR was Teflon Ron's hero.


Now they've moved on to the $10 bill, I guess making Aaron Burr fans very excited.


The bottom line here is this is a terrible idea, mainly because Reagan only died this year. I died in 1862 and I barely have shit named after me. Sure a few counties, some high schools, the occasional street -- don't get me wrong I like it, but I'll be damned if a b-movie actor gets some money before me.


Ronnie however, has a lot of living rich friends and crazed disciples -- in short resources. I've got a shitty free blog.


So here's what I propose, go to the Reagan legacy project site and borrow their write in campaign interface, but replace the "put Reagan on the ten dollar bill bs" with the following:

Subject: Reagan on the $10 Bill

President Martin Van Buren is way cooler than Ronald Reagan, even though they are both quite dead.

Some people think Ronald Reagan brought communism to its knees, but then again it could have just been their own bloated and corrupt infrastructure falling in on itself and he could have just slept through the '80s.

So why bother naming anything after Ronald Reagan? Especially when so few things are named after Martin Van Buren, who as we noted before is way cooler than Reagan.

I do think America must make sure that future generations never forget what President Reagan did. Make monkey movies; sell arms to Iran, Iraq, and the Afghanistani mujahideen who became Al Qaeda. Oh yeah, he also took lots of naps.

But that can be done over email or with encyclopedias; you don't need to re-name schools, airports or currency with his picture to remember that.

The time is right to not put Reagan on our currency. FDR, Eisenhower and JFK were all on currency less than a year from their deaths. But they were good Presidents. Martin Van Buren died in 1862, and still hasn't gotten his due -- WTF?

Please don't support the effort to put Reagan on the $10 bill! Instead lets make a new bill like, $12 or maybe the $500 so that Puff Daddy can still carry crazy cash but have a lighter wallet. Oh, don't forget the new money should totally have Martin Van Buren on it.

That would be awesome.



If we all get together with one voice as Americans we can build up my ego at the expense of another dead President!


Get a box of Newports and Puma sweats

20 Comments:

Blogger somegirl said...

plus, regan always wore make-up, which was kind of gay.

van buren wears cosmetics daily, but only to look younger for the little boys. that's dignity. that's a $10 bill.

12:05 PM  
Blogger Dashiell said...

Mr. President,

I propose that the Mint begin printing 8 dollar bills bearing your likeness, which could then be referred to as "ochos" by the kids on the "street."

Ex: "I slipped the waiter captain an ocho and he put us right next to Catherine Zeta-Jones."

However, since I am cooler than any kid on the "street," I will start referring to them as "Martys."

Ex: "Can you believe that I just spent two Martys on a handjob?"

Man, that would freakin' rock! BTW, can you still issue executive orders even if you're dead?

3:27 PM  
Blogger The Head said...

For Christ's sake, you opposed incorporating Texas. That kind of foresight should at least get you as the replacement on the hundy as soon as they kick that fatbody Franklin off.

12:11 PM  
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Terribly sorry, have I intruded on something?

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Fancy meeting you here Mr. Wells. Oh wait, you have this linked on your blog. That's how I found it, brah.
Cheers.

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Blogger Couch Potato said...

"Help me if you can I'm feeling down" - I also think I must be lost.

I was searching for Elvis and somehow ended up in your blog, but you know I'm sure I saw him on the golf course yesterday. Now this is strange because usually I see him in the supermarket.

Honest really, last time I saw him there he was right in front of me, next to the steaks singing "Love me Tender".

He said to me (his lip was only slightly curled) "Boy, you need to get yourself a shiny, new lcd tv to go with that blue suede sofa of yours.

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Dude I'm All Shook Up said Elvis. I think I'll have me another cheeseburger.

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