The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

August 13, 2004

It's Inflation Yo.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, there's really nothing much new under the sun.

Take for example the issue of brutality from officers of state--people rail against it like it's something new, but ask the brother who got shot by the red coats in the Boston Massacre and he'd tell you a different story... if he had survived being shot... and then it really wouldn't have been a Massacre... and I probably wouldn't bring it up.

Kinderhook cops, Kinderhook cops, Kinderhook cops, they ain't too smartAnyway, back in Kinderhook we had a very well intentioned constable by the name of Milhouse Van Houten (I know just like the Simpson’s, but obvs not the same guy). Constable Van Houten was very conscientious and one day he asked for my advice on the constitutionality of beating a man with cudgel, since I was an ex-President.

I firmly stated that we should review the broad circumstances of a constable pummeling and apply the standard set forth in the 8th Amendment.

First off did the SOB on the short end of the cudgel have it coming? Did his actions warrant a "punishment", in this case a beat down with a sizeable wooden weapon?

Second, was the beating cruel or did the constable stop a few licks short of cruel or at least pull up on the later hits?

Finally, even if the douchebag got a full-on-uber-smack-down, qualifying perhaps as cruel, was the punishment unusual?

that's what I'm talking about"Clearly, Constable Van Houten a violent beatdown with a hunk of wood is not that uncommon. It happens all the time. Why just the other day I smacked an umpire in the head with a bat at my over 50 rounders game--perfectly constitutional, since I was safe and the ump was a cockface."

This whole recollection got me thinking, "I wonder what a decent cudgel goes for these days?"

Would you believe the cheapest I could find on froogle was $89.95? That's a whole bunch of dead prez for simple damn cudgel.

I mean yeah, there was this piece of crap on eBay somebody was passing off as a cudgel for $11, but that my friend is just a long stick, not a cudgel. I wouldn't even beat my kids with that piece of crap.

Well it was a Wednesday

Me and Boss Hog was kinda hungry


Anonymous Anonymous said...

mr president, whether intended or not, that's some funny stuff. some say possibly even funnier than anything i've ever written. i said possibly.


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