The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

August 18, 2004

The Voice of Experience

This is the story of the...The after effects of hurricane Charley seem to be mounting. In the days and weeks to come this terrible tragedy could escalate to what most of you would consider epic proportions. But to those of us from the 19th century this kind of living is just another day with poo-infested drinking water.

In that light, here's a few pointers I have for surviving without all the typical modern conveniences Floridians are use to enjoying.

1. If you find a body, carcass or segmentation of carrion in your well, stream or other source of fresh water (Absopure delivery truck?), yell at it to see if it is dead. Poking it with a stick is probably just going to open it up, releasing puss, pestilence and otherwise nasty gore. I also hear boiling water is good, but I don't drink water so I wouldn't really know.

2. If you do contract cholera seek medical attention and drink plenty of fluids. As in preventing prison rape, corking your butthole really doesn't help the situation and may in fact make it worse.

4. If you are concerned the food you have may be rotten, soaking it in sour-mash whiskey BEFORE you eat it may kill some of the offending bacteria. Soaking it in whiskey after you eat it will likely only exacerbate your situation. But you will get super-ripped.

5. It is okay to laugh at a city named for the Spanish words for "fat ass" (Punta Gorda) getting a collective case of the green apple splatters.

Cholera prevention is the shit
6. One-way to avoid mosquitoes caring diseases like malaria, West Nile and uh... Parkinson’s, is to close all your windows to keep out the bugs and light your house on fire. You see it's a scientific fact that mosquitoes hate smoke. If your house was destroyed in the hurricane, your neighbor's house will probably work in a pinch.

7. Over exerting yourself in the cleanup effort may induce a heart attack or stroke, so don't fix anything, the next hurricane is just going to fuck it all up again anyway.

Hurricane you got clout

Other DJ's he'll put your head out


Blogger Queenie said...

This is a pretty funny blog.


5:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shit. This is the funniest gay blog in all of blog city. Martin, if you were still around, I'd pound your ass till it turned to dust!

3:50 AM  
Blogger kalisekj said...

Cool Blog, I never really thought about it that way.

I have a Hurricane Katrina blog. It pretty much covers hurricane related stuff.

Thank you - and keep up the thoughts!

8:54 PM  
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