The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

September 29, 2004

Kerry who? Kerry Collins? The chick with blood on her?

Be ashamed, work up your best expression of mock indignation and then pretend you knew all the answers to these questions.


In a completely expected display of "couldn't-give-a-shit-a-tude," the National Annenberg Election Survey produced results that indicated most Americans don't know where the presidential candidates stand on the major issues.


For example a third of those surveyed didn't know that Bush wanted to make it harder to get an abortion (and thus easier to get a patented Damore Back Alley Abortion ©) and about half didn't know Kerry supported taxing the overseas profits of American companies that outsource.


Interestingly enough, .001% of Americans were aware that Candidate Peabs supported, "doing it in the butt."


Think for a minute cuz the hype just died down
That I won't go up in the Oval Office right now
And flip whatever ain't tied down upside down
I'm all for America, fuck the government

September 28, 2004

Talentless bungholes enjoy wasting money

Does this look like a steroid user to you?Timothy Murphy who didn't catch roided baseball phenomenon Barry Bonds' 700th career homerun, but did attempt to secure ownership of it with his fat ass and part of his right leg is suing the equally talentless Steve Williams who is now in possession of the mildly historic baseball.


Williams similarly didn't catch the ball, but did manage to pick it up off the ground, despite the similar attempts of other fans, including Murphy and his huge ass.


Ty Cobb, burns in hell.Reached for comment on the situation in hell, Tiger's hall of famer Ty Cobb noted, "I hate Negroes. They ain't got no smarts and shouldn't be playing my god damn baseba... AHHHHHHHHHH THE EXCRUIATING PAIN OF HELL FIRE, AHHHHHHHH! IT BURNS, IT BURNS."


Apparently, Murphy, who has been informed that, "possession is 9/10ths of the law," enjoys wasting his money on pointless litigation. He has previously attempted to sue his ex-girlfriend for eating the last onion ring, his neighbor for parking in the "good" street spot and his mother for, "not loving him as much as my brother Gary."


Sounds like a grade-A douche to MVB.


While your rap crew's on steroids lookin like Full Force

Your girl she's buffed, puffed, in daytime don't play rough

September 27, 2004

Want fair elections? Try Mozambique.

It's true, I invented the iPodMy fellow ex-President and Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter wrote an op/ed piece today for the Washington Post. In it the illustrious President Carter illuminates problems plaguing Florida other than hurricanes, Spanish Privateers (that's p.c. for Pirates yo), raiding bands of Seminole Indians and the Bowden family.


Now I should be honest and say that I've never been a big fan of Florida, during my administration we had to fight a war there with the before mentioned Seminoles which became so frustrating that I entertained the idea of getting bids on a giant saw to cut a huge canal at the Georgia border and send that pitiful excuse for a state floating off towards Cuba. However, I backed off from the idea since I had already come up with the idea for the Erie Canal and didn't want to be pigeon holed as a big ditch politician.


You suck.But I digress.


President Carter spends much of his time making sure nations around the world hold fair democratic elections. He has successfully helped convert dictatorial nations through out Central America, Africa and Asia through the principals of democratic voting, in short he's the leading world authority on the process of holding elections.


Yet, he doesn't feel the institutions of power in Florida are current allied with the principals of democracy.


It's a travishamockery of the highest order. We have an administration that is waging a war with American blood under the pretense of imposing democratic institutions on a people that may or may not be ready to adopt such institutions, yet they purposefully undermined the same institutions at home with their local party machine.


Seriously, that's so effed up.


Got to give us what we want

Gotta give us what we need

Our freedom of speech is freedom or death

We got to fight the powers that be

September 24, 2004

NOTICE ME RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!

Nice ear piece ya crazy attention whoreFaded popstar, Sinead O'Connor recently took out a full page ad pleading for privacy, obviously to draw loads of attention to her non-existent career and completely tired socio-political-nutball persona.


When asked for comment, half the world was quoted as saying, "Sinead 'Baldo' O'Connor, I haven't thought about her in years. Probably not since she ripped up that picture of the Pope in like 1992."


The other half of the world said it vaguely remembered her dating Peter Gabriel right around the time his music started to suck and pointed out, "Prince wrote her only good song anyway."


For her own part O'Connor has said, "Please, I just want to be a little old lady now, and not be all controversial and not be bashed and called crazy and laughed at when I open my mouth to sing or speak."


It seems likely that the rest of the world and O'Connor can come to some sort of compromise, for example if her "little old lady" moniker were appended with "who's a crazy media-whore."


Insane in the membrane

Insane in the brain!

September 20, 2004

Part 2: based on past performance what can we expect?

A continuation of last Friday's piece on the current election.


But MVB what about all this hubbub about the candidate’s Viet Nam records? Isn’t that just distracting from the real issues?


Well to a certain extent yes, but I do believe prior job performance can illuminate what kind of a job the candidate will do in office.


Beatles. Best.Let’s start with Kerry. Born a rich kid, but generally has done stuff on his own. Swift boat dudes for Bush can say what they want, the Green Beret Kerry pulled out of the water says that he owes his life to Kerry. I’ll take that guy at his word--he was there and has little to gain from fabricating this story.


Kerry then became an avid protester against Viet Nam, and I think while that was a tragic era in America, history is on his side. However you feel about this tragic era, his protests certainly shouldn’t preclude him from being commander in chief—especially since our last two Presidents avoided the war completely.


Then he was a very successful prosecutor and by all accounts was tough on crime while still making his office work expediently, getting cases processed instead of letting them languish. His private law practice was a successful business. His Senate career is distinguished and he has represented his state admirably and to the great acclaim of his constituents. Nit pick a bill here or there if you must, but basically you’ve got a record of evenhanded responsibility.


Now lets look at Bush. Whatever rules Bush may or may not have broken while in the National Guard we do know that his father helped get him out of Viet Nam. We know he was trained as a pilot and an officer and that he choose rather than to complete that duty to the best of his ability to ask for a leave to work on a political campaign in Alabama while there was a shortage of combat pilots in Viet Nam. It may have been perfectly legal, but it doesn’t display strong character or the leadership qualities becoming an officer in any level of the American military.


I was thinking maybe I could DH, or perhaps play shortstop He then tried to run for congress and lost. No big deal, happens to the best of us... loser.


He bought an oil company with money from his dad’s friends and then sold all his stock right before the company went bankrupt. He didn’t file his paper work with the SEC, but he was never really investigated--I'm sure the political connections of his family at the highest levels of government overseeing the SEC had nothing to do with it. He bought an interest in the Texas Rangers, which became worth a lot of money when his campaign to build a new stadium with taxpayer money went through. Also traded Sammy Sosa for nothing.


So lets see that’s two more instances of his decisive leadership ending up in failure for those of you keeping track and one of him making a personal fortune on the backs of honest tax payers.


He did parlay his name, coincidently the name of one of the most famous politicians of the day into a governorship. As governor, he gutted environmental legislation, making Texas first in pollution and 49th in environmental spending. Also dramatically cut education spending, to the point where many Texas school systems can no longer afford free kindergarten. He cut a program that gave health care to disadvantaged kids. Sponsored legislation that took debt incurred by private energy companies and made it public debt, to the tune of $9 billion. Turned a large budget surplus into a large deficit through irresponsible tax cuts that simply moved the state’s burden to municipalities and in other cases left critical programs un-funded.


Then of course he became President and achieved a similar level of failure as seen in part one.


I believe I’ve argued with rather strong evidence that George Bush has a long history of decisively bad leadership and in several cases failed leadership, starting with his military service, personal business and political offices.


The choice given to the American people is not between a flip-flopper and a decisive leader. The choice is between two men with the will to lead, only one of which has ever shown any ability to rise to burden of his responsibilities and succeed.


Teach the children ,save the nation

I see the destruction, the situation

They're corrupt, and their time's up soon

September 17, 2004

PART1: Sure he’s decisive… decisively bad

In the past I’ve given my party-mate John Kerry a few suggestion on running a more successful campaign. As we get down to crunch-time, real the nitty-gritty of the campaign I think I can provide a little prospective on a few “issues” of the campaign. Namely, the notion of decisive leadership and the importance of past job performance and service to the current campaign. Today, in part one we will address decisive leadership.


What a dumb assPresident Bush says the difference between him and Kerry is that he’s decisive and that Kerry flip-flops.


OK, you’re saying Kerry changes his mind sometimes. I’d have to agree with that, he changes his mind, particularly when new information is brought to his attention that changes the situation. President Bush on the other hand would rather us ride out the mistake.


Take Iraq for example. Clearly, we went to war based on the morally questionable premises of increased regional stability and securing a large oil supply for foreign export.


We’ve certainly gone to war over less, but it’s hardly Washington crossing the Delaware in terms of noble causes.


The rest of the reasons we heard were bull shit to help gloss over the harsh realities of the potential American dead with democratic platitudes and outright irrational fear.


Saddam did the worst of his genocide before the first Gulf War, if we cared that much about gassed Kurds and murdered political prisoners, we would have taken care of it over ten years ago—therefore the immediate need to save the Iraqi people is crap, we had lots of chances to do it and now is no better a time than before. Weapons of mass destruction never existed, the CIA said as much and the Pentagon told them to shut the hell up. International networks of Arab terrorists weren’t hiding out in Iraq (but they are now). So let’s not even address those reasons as immediate or credible.


But we did go and now we have to deal with the problem. But we never had and still do not have a plan for Iraq’s post Saddam stability. After all this time we still don’t have enough troops (ours or better yet those from allies) on the ground to achieve that goal--this isn't just my opinion but the opinion of most military experts out side of the Presient's immediate sphere.


Bin Ladin search party leaves the mothershipIt is decisively bad leadership—they picks one Titanic-esque direction and don't bother to turn for any on coming icebergs.


The situation is the same on every possible campaign issue.


Education. No child left behind, a questionable idea for raising the bar on American education that the President left un-funded, despite promises to congressional voters that it would be fully funded.


The economy. He’s the first President in 75 years to lose jobs over his 4 years, almost 2 million of them. The inflation adjusted income of most Americans going down while the corporate crooks in Enron write our national energy policy and the richest Americans gobble up the bulk of ridiculous tax cuts. Oh, and the largest budget surplus in history became the largest deficit in history. Makes the Panic of 1837 look the Yahoo! IPO.


Homeland Security. Tom Ridge recently got his business cards which is nice, but our airports are still highly vulnerable, not to mention our virtually unguarded ports, nuclear facilities, bridges, and chemical plants. Oh, and the soft targets… look what regular Americans did to our national psyche in Columbine, CO. and Oklahoma City and tell me that an international terror network couldn’t cause that level of fear with twice the damage and half the effort.


So, basically, George Bush has been a lousy President. Seems obvious to me that decisive isn’t necessarily a good thing when you usually choose the wrong path and then are too stubborn to correct your mistakes.


Please stay tuned for part 2 of this article.


Down to die, for everything I represent

Meant every word, in my letter to the President

September 16, 2004

Erotic Museum isn't

How many licks does it take to get Hugh off? 1, 2, 3.  3Hugh Hefner was just inducted into the Erotic Museum of Hollywood's Hall of Fame.


The museum which takes a scholarly approach to the subject of erotica picked Hef because to the liberalizing effect of Playboy on American sexuality.


Obvs.


But I'm thinking that they also should have considered that time has not been kind to Hef. Paying young women to have sex with your decrepit and viagra charged pre-corpse is a great gig if you can get it but not real erotic. The fact that your sexcapades take place after lame ass disco parties with Scott Baio, Fred Durst and that guy from Politically Incorrect With Bill Maher (uh, I guess that would be Bill Maher) is totally sad and un-erotic.


Fellow upcoming inductees Mae West, psychoanalyst Dr. Sigmund Freud, birth control advocate Margaret Sanger and sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer should help insure that this museum is the most erotic free zone in all of Hollywood (next to Liz Taylor's place natch).


It takes fifty dollars to make me holler.

September 15, 2004

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

According to experts at the current Fashion Week in New York, slutwear is on it's way out.


As far as MVB is concerned sluts are always IN!


Though to be fair, that has a lot more to do with what they don't wear than what they do wear.


In general, thinking is that designers may be acting a bit reactionary to their ho-shions seeping into the kids clothes market. But in my experience once you've let the "tween thong" genie out of the bottle, you're going to have a pretty hard time getting it back in.

Of course these fashionista always lead the general market by several months or even years. If you can't live without see through blouses and low-rise-ass-crack jeans, I suggest you get off the coasts in move to the interior. I suspect the first pair of crotchless boy shorts is just coming off the truck at the Topeka Target. By the time the modesty movement hit's these places, the coasts will probably have re-upped the ante on whoredom... assless chaps, 24-hour dildo jeans, crotch shots on drivers licenses, you get the idea.


You got to stay upon your toes when it come to hos

September 14, 2004

Suddenly wishing I was buried in California

Hey don't get me wrong, I love the ladies and just because I'm dead doesn't mean I don't still have the urge to get it on, but in my experience necrophiliacs come with a lot of baggage that I'm just not looking for right now in a relationship.


Plus most of them are dudes and I just don't flow that way.


My epitaph will read
Was the last of Gs
Kicked the shit to make the white man bleed
God bless the dead

September 13, 2004

You Can't Polish a Terd...

I like number 1, I like number 1But Apparently you can synthesis piss!


That's right an American company with the stupid and meaningless name of Dyna-Tek (I would have called it WisCo or Peetek) has developed a product called Surine.


They claim it's better for medical research or something because real human piss, "smells", "can foam" and "decays rapidly".


Nothing worse than a jar of decayed pee-pee I always say.


Clearly the real market opportunities here are stoners trying to pass their drug screen at WalMarts and R Kelly.


Get a contract with the later and you gots a license to print money as far as I'm concerned.


After the show, it's the after-party
and after the party it's the hotel lobby.

September 08, 2004

Go Back to Doucheville Population, YOU


Sorry I haven't been around lately, but here's a quick link to the awesomest t-shirts around. Cut the Douche Loose T-Shirts