The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

September 28, 2004

Talentless bungholes enjoy wasting money

Does this look like a steroid user to you?Timothy Murphy who didn't catch roided baseball phenomenon Barry Bonds' 700th career homerun, but did attempt to secure ownership of it with his fat ass and part of his right leg is suing the equally talentless Steve Williams who is now in possession of the mildly historic baseball.


Williams similarly didn't catch the ball, but did manage to pick it up off the ground, despite the similar attempts of other fans, including Murphy and his huge ass.


Ty Cobb, burns in hell.Reached for comment on the situation in hell, Tiger's hall of famer Ty Cobb noted, "I hate Negroes. They ain't got no smarts and shouldn't be playing my god damn baseba... AHHHHHHHHHH THE EXCRUIATING PAIN OF HELL FIRE, AHHHHHHHH! IT BURNS, IT BURNS."


Apparently, Murphy, who has been informed that, "possession is 9/10ths of the law," enjoys wasting his money on pointless litigation. He has previously attempted to sue his ex-girlfriend for eating the last onion ring, his neighbor for parking in the "good" street spot and his mother for, "not loving him as much as my brother Gary."


Sounds like a grade-A douche to MVB.


While your rap crew's on steroids lookin like Full Force

Your girl she's buffed, puffed, in daytime don't play rough

7 Comments:

Blogger Dashiell said...

Actually, I am suing both of them, because I clearly called "dibs" as soon as the ball came off the bat. And as any 10-year-old will tell you, that makes it mine.

3:11 PM  
Blogger rdturpin said...

That blurb about Tyrus Raymond Cobb was absolutely hilarious. Damn that made me laugh.

Great baseball player; piece of shit human being (for the most part).

I recommend both My Life in Baseball (his autobio) and Cobb by Al Stump (the guy who helped him write the autobio). Al Stump's biography was the basis for the film Cobb starring Tommy Lee Jones as the Cobb-ster. I also recommend that film. Good stuff.

One of my favorite Cobb stories (as best I remember it):
Years after he retired, a reporter asked Cobb how The Peach thought he would fare against the pitchers of the day.

Cobb replied that he'd probably only hit about .270.

.270? The reporter replied, astonished.

"Yes, I'm 70 damn years old", was Cobb's reply.

7:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Marty, you old codger! Looked high an' low for you around Kinderhook, I have. You never call, you never write... last I saw you we was swiggin' away on the spiked cider the missus kindly made. I passed out on the bandstand in the town common and awoke to find ya gone. Ex-President, eh? I'll drink to that!



Phineas Higgenbottom IV

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