The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

October 28, 2004

Courtney Love's Weekly Courtroom Wrap Up

Courtney Hole (as Uncle Grambo likes to call her) has been order to stand trial in Los Angles.


Through her agent Ms. Hole made only one request of the court, "Could I like sit, instead of standing trial? Like, standing is so hard when your on as much oxy as I am right now... maybe could I lay on the floor?"


I do more drugs than PeabsReached for comment Courtney's lawyer, Howard Weitzman said simply, "We hope this will be resolved in a way to allow her to move on with her next court case, subsequent release from rehab, embarrassing public display of nudity, violence and substance abuse -- you know just life as usual."


It should be noted Mr. Weitzman was speaking to reporters as he dragged the unconscious former Mrs. Cobain to his E-Class Benz through the parking lot by her feet, exposing only one of her fake boobs in the process.


The E with the criminal behavior
Yeah, I'm a gansta, but still I got flavor
Without a gun and a badge, what do ya got?

October 27, 2004

This just in from no shit labs

ALERT, ALERT!


Americans are getting both fatter and taller, but they are growing out faster than they are growing up.


In 1960 the average man was 166.3 lbs and was 5 ft 8 in. Today the average man has ballooned to 191 lbs, but is only 5 ft 9 in.


Should this trend continue in 2276 the average man will weight over 2500 lbs and be approximately 9 ft 6 in.


Which should make the intelligent monkeys and/or robots that enslave the human race as pack animals very happy.


That is unless we can convince the robots to fight the monkeys, leaving us free to down a secret stash of Trimspa and mini-thins and regain control of the world in speed charged bought of svelte re-conquering during the ensuing chaos.


My friend Gary draws wicked sweet monkey robot fights, we should totally hire him to do the story boardsOn a completely unrelated note, MVB is currently seeking representation for his unmade Hollywood-summer-blockbuster-script. It's like Planet of the Apes meets the Matrix meets the Biggest Looser. I see lots of big name stars in Shallow Hal fat suits, which will stroke their egos by purporting to show their range (just like playing retarded, whores or retarded whores ensures actors an Oscar nomination.)


I mean, you've basically read the treatment, it's a can't loose proposition.


I wanna rock right now

October 26, 2004

Lipsynching is no big deal

Everyone is all bent out of shape because some young stage harlot pretended to sing a song but was only mouthing the words to an audiophonic recording. Her father has even gone so far to blame acid reflux syndrome in what can only be a desperate plea to score a prilosec endorsement.

Who gives a crap? It's just show biz and thems are the breaks in show biz.


Sometimes Hamlet drops the skull he's contemplating or Desdemona forgets a line, accidentally lights the stage on fire by kicking over a stage lamp and improvs a little soft shoe to distract the audience.


Like Rush said, all the world can be a stage

Back when I was directing the Lincoln Douglas debates of 1858 it was all I could do to keep those two yahoos on script.


You didn't know the Lincoln Douglas debates were completely staged? Come now don't be so naive, politics is the height of theater and there is no greater stage than the U-S-A.


Anyway, I remember at one debate in Galesburg, IL. Douglas starts into his Dred Scott closing that I wrote for him, this shit is money, I mean really good, when Lincoln just rips a fart out of his gigantism enlarged colon that could wake the dead. Douglas starts gagging and completely loses his place, from behind the curtain I had to finish the end of the debate in my best Douglas impersonation while Steve-o just mouthed the words I was saying.

That’s me, Cyrano Van Buren baby, saving the illusion of democracy for you and yours since the 19th Century.


TO THE WINDOW
TO THE WALL

October 21, 2004

First the Viet Cong, now geese, will no one protect us from the dealy aim of John Kerry?

John Kerry went hunting for water foul in Ohio today to court that state's powerful "only good bird is a dead bird" constituency.


I suspect now we'll have to endure endless accusations from Geese Hunters for Truth.


If they weren't wearing so much camo, you could see them.

"I noticed that Kerry claimed to kill a goose. AND IT WAS A CANADIAN GOOSE. Why aren't American Geese good enough for John Kerry?
-- Al Smith, Goose Hunter rt.


I was in the next field, and I say it looked more like a large duck than a goose. And it sure ain't duck season!
-- Rhonda Dykeson-Cheney, Ladies who love ladies who love dead birds


John Kerry was there and had a shotgun, but the dog was actually a small boy in disguise who did all the bird killing! AND THE BOY WAS AN ILLEGAL ALIEN! FROM IRAN!
-- "Crazy" Larry Busherton, Past President Duck's Unlimited, Current President, A-Rabs Limited


The only thing John Kerry's ever shot off was his mouth. Oh, and the hands of Vietnamese children, but that doesn't really count.
-- Identity withheld, but seriously, it's not like it's Karl Rove or anything, definitely not Karl Rove.


What a colossal pussy! I mean seriously this guy pretends to shoot birds but he is such a pussy. I mean would Jesus have put up with a pussy like this? I don't think so, not my blonde haired, blue eyed Jesus.
-- Pat Robertson, host of the 700 Club, avid watcher on hunting shows on OLN


Everyone knows that geese aren't real. They're just myths like the tooth fairy and the war on terr... oh shit I just fucked up didn't I? Uh, John Kerry's wife is a bitch, don't forget that. Don't want no first bitch in White House she's one huge bitch!!!
-- C. Riceolessa, Birds are Bullshit, P.A.C.



Stay hittin with the shit that blow a hole in ya trunk
Afraid of us, you know this ain't no game to us
You strange to us that's when we gettin dangerous, come on

October 19, 2004

Genius

Leave it to Bush Flash Cartoon

Thanks to The Toilet Online for creating this fabu cartoon and thanks to JP McKrengles for pointing it out.

Shawty crunk on the floor wide open
Speak so much they call her Billy ocean

October 14, 2004

It's probably just a newly legalized asault weapon

bulge

The good folks at Salon have been fostering a conspiracy theory that there is a mysterous bulge underneath George Bush's jacket during the debates.


Is he just happy to see Bob Schiffer? Does he have hidden prompter? Could he be being fed lines by his staff and still sound so dumb?


If you got real hair,
real finger nails,
if you don't need nobody to tell how to do your business
make some noise!

October 13, 2004

I vulcanized yer mom

I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but Charles Goodyear being granted the patent for vulcanized rubber in 1844 was a big effing deal.


For the next couple of years, rubber anything and everything were the hot items -- boots, tires, gloves, cockrings, E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.


My friend Gary always the con-artist jumped in with both feet to rubber business. He started in douchebags of course, which I think has something to do with that term becoming a phrase of insult. Most douchebag salesmen were in fact douchebags.


The margins on douchebags quickly dried up however and Gary decided to test the waters of other business ventures. Gary surmised that people weren't really that interested in rubber but were actually enthused about vulcanization, the process by which sulfur is removed from natural rubber making it stretchy and pliable.


He also deduced that people really had no idea what vulcanization was, so he could claim to have vulcanized anything.


He started a company that sold vulcanized maple syrup called Grandma Negratta's Vulcanized Maple Syrup.


Customers claimed that it tasted purer and sweeter, despite the fact that it was merely molasses, lamp oil and a bit of potting soil for character.


Needless to say, Grandma Negratta's Vulcanized Maple Syrup was an uproarious success and eventually was able to diversify into many different areas, today you would probably know the company better as General Motors. AND THAT'S, therestofthestory!


Got my white Tux on, chauffeur's outside
A Caddy stretch limo's gonna be our ride

October 12, 2004

Shut up whore

SHUT UP BITCH

I realize this isn't the PC thing to do these days but if Cathy were real I do believe I'd hit her in the face with a shovel. As the eleoquent American Statesman Daniel Webster used to say, "Nothing shuts a bitch up like a quick smack in the head with a shovel."


And Cathy is mos def a beeotch.


Bitches ain't nothing but hos and tricks

October 11, 2004

Justify your existence

Tazers, slighty more effective than sling shots, not quite as effective as a kick to the nutsIn an attempt to feel more important than meter maids the British Police force recently got the right to carry stun guns.


We give out guns with Frosted Flakes and the Brits won't even give them to their cops. And these ponces wonder why we kicked their ass in two consecutive wars.


Following the change every bobby will now be required to change their signature line, "stop or I'll say stop again," to, "stop or I'll run up close enough to tazer you, thus incapacitating you long enough for me to hand cuff you, unless of course you are on PCP and thus ignore the electric shock and bite a hole through my face."


You got the blunt (I got the Mac)
You got the clip (I got the gat)

October 04, 2004

Smell? The best you could find was smell?

DYNOMITE! The Nobel Prize in Medicine was awarded today for two American researchers who performed pioneering research on, "odorant receptors and the organization of the olfactory system."


Yup, that's right they know a shit load about the sense of smell.


Previous winners have included the guy that cured diphtheria (death by green apple splatters) and the dude that discovered DNA--these guys figured out how proteins transfer a SBD message from your nose to your brain...


The only thing I can figure out is that everybody else in medicine took the last year off.


Now where did I put that keyboard?Reached for comment at home, the visually impaired, former child rock prodigy Stevie Wonder said,

I AM BLIND. I CAN'T SEE A GOD DAMN THING, AND THESE TWO SMART MUTHA FUCKAS ARE RESEARCHING THE SENSE OF SMELL? DO THEY HAVE SPECIAL SCHOOLS FOR PEOPLE THAT CAN'T SMELL GOOD? YOU EVER HEARD OF THE HELEN KELLER SCHOOL FOR MUTHA FUCKAS THAT CAN'T SMELL REAL GOOD? I AIN'T NEVER HEARD OF NO SHIT LIKE THAT. WHAT ABOUT CURING BLINDNESS ASSHOLES? SHIT, I'D EVEN BE PRETTY HAPPY IF THEY HELPED THE DEAF, AT LEAST THOSE MUTHAFUCKAS COULD BUY MY GOD DAMN ALBUM. SMELL. GOD DAMN WORST SENSE EVER. MUTHA FUCKAS CAN SMELL MY GOD DAMN FINGER, THAT'S WHAT THEY CAN SMELL.


Word up Stevie, word up.


I know you'd like to think yo' shit don't stank
But lean a lil bit closer see
Roses really smell like poo poo poo
Yeah, roses really smell like poo poo poo

October 01, 2004


Get cool t-shirts and buttons with this picture by clicking on this link!
President Van Buren

Somebody's been listening to MVB

Hear that?  That's the sound me kicking your ass!Recently, I suggested to Candidate Kerry that he take the President's claims of decicive leadership head on and remind people that decisive is a negative trait when you have a track record of making bad decisions.


Looks like someone's been reading MVB!


Last night in the first debate of the season Seantor Kerry said, "it's one thing to be certain, but you can be certain and be wrong."


I would have added, "it's also one thing to be the mildly retarded son of an ex-President, but when you imply that Iraq attacked America in a presidental debate either because it's past your bed time or because you are too dumb to know that didn't happen, you might as well just hang up the gloves."


Muthafuck him and John Wayne.