The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

October 13, 2004

I vulcanized yer mom

I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but Charles Goodyear being granted the patent for vulcanized rubber in 1844 was a big effing deal.

For the next couple of years, rubber anything and everything were the hot items -- boots, tires, gloves, cockrings, E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

My friend Gary always the con-artist jumped in with both feet to rubber business. He started in douchebags of course, which I think has something to do with that term becoming a phrase of insult. Most douchebag salesmen were in fact douchebags.

The margins on douchebags quickly dried up however and Gary decided to test the waters of other business ventures. Gary surmised that people weren't really that interested in rubber but were actually enthused about vulcanization, the process by which sulfur is removed from natural rubber making it stretchy and pliable.

He also deduced that people really had no idea what vulcanization was, so he could claim to have vulcanized anything.

He started a company that sold vulcanized maple syrup called Grandma Negratta's Vulcanized Maple Syrup.

Customers claimed that it tasted purer and sweeter, despite the fact that it was merely molasses, lamp oil and a bit of potting soil for character.

Needless to say, Grandma Negratta's Vulcanized Maple Syrup was an uproarious success and eventually was able to diversify into many different areas, today you would probably know the company better as General Motors. AND THAT'S, therestofthestory!

Got my white Tux on, chauffeur's outside
A Caddy stretch limo's gonna be our ride


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