The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

October 27, 2004

This just in from no shit labs


Americans are getting both fatter and taller, but they are growing out faster than they are growing up.

In 1960 the average man was 166.3 lbs and was 5 ft 8 in. Today the average man has ballooned to 191 lbs, but is only 5 ft 9 in.

Should this trend continue in 2276 the average man will weight over 2500 lbs and be approximately 9 ft 6 in.

Which should make the intelligent monkeys and/or robots that enslave the human race as pack animals very happy.

That is unless we can convince the robots to fight the monkeys, leaving us free to down a secret stash of Trimspa and mini-thins and regain control of the world in speed charged bought of svelte re-conquering during the ensuing chaos.

My friend Gary draws wicked sweet monkey robot fights, we should totally hire him to do the story boardsOn a completely unrelated note, MVB is currently seeking representation for his unmade Hollywood-summer-blockbuster-script. It's like Planet of the Apes meets the Matrix meets the Biggest Looser. I see lots of big name stars in Shallow Hal fat suits, which will stroke their egos by purporting to show their range (just like playing retarded, whores or retarded whores ensures actors an Oscar nomination.)

I mean, you've basically read the treatment, it's a can't loose proposition.

I wanna rock right now


Blogger art the loser said...

you forgot the birds. it's the birds that will take over the earth.

6:43 PM  
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