The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

November 30, 2004

Thanks for the Update

How do you solve a problem like Maria?Former NBC newswoman and current California first lady Maria Shriver took time out from her duties at Snake Mountain to inform the public that her husband, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger would never be president because the whole constitution thing is so complicated.

Go see my new movie Jingle All the WayAsked to comment, her husband who is incapable of going 30 seconds without uttering inane film dialog replied, "Of course I couldn't be the President of the United States... I'm a COP YOU IDIOT!"

The Governor then continued that, "a pump was better than cumming." The interview then ended when the Governor decided indiscriminately fondle breasts.

Forget Tony Danza, I'm the boss
When it comes to money, I'm like Dick Butkas
Now who's the first pick? me, word is born and
Not a Christean Laettner, not Alonzo Mourning

November 23, 2004

Go with fine Amish Oak

Once during my tenure as Minister to Great Britain, President Jackson, cheap backwoods bastard that he was, decided to skimp on my travel expense account. Thus I found myself slowly sinking in the middle of the Atlantic on a decommissioned War of 1812 man-of-war, overburdened with waterlogged bureaucrats and Kentucky mash-liquor.

The eventual exodus of vermin straight from the ship’s hold out into the ocean was about a stern a political metaphor as I ever witnessed. Cracking open a case of 150 proof “rum” (that was also used to swab the poop deck) and slumping down on the deck, what I figured out is that even a filthy rat has enough basic survival sense to take their chances in open water, rather wait it out on a doomed ship.

My stocking again felt wet and I could practically taste the White Lightening watching Bush’s cabinet stumble over each other, clawing to get their way out of the White House last week. Sigh, maybe it’s just as well, a new term deserves some remodeling. Bush seems happy to promote in-house, letting Comrade Condie apply her Cold War wisdom to the boiling War on Terror™ and run the Defense Department, and Margaret Spellings, the cross-eyed tart who wrote No Child Left Behind, take over the Department of Education.

We didn’t allow women folk in the West Wing during my administration. My security detail assured me their menstruational secretions attracted Kodiak bears, which still roamed freely through Washington’s streets in those days.

I understand they have since been domesticated and are deployed at night on The Mall to pick up tourist’s trash and hunt for Persian saboteurs. The bears, not the women folk, duhvs.

Forgive the digression. I meant for this post to be purely instructive for Bonnie Prince W. as he further rebuilds his Cabinet in the coming weeks. I wanted to make a few suggestions, helping Bush to avoid depleting the nation’s boardrooms, car dealerships and country clubs of their precious weasel populations.

Spineless yes-men and bat-shit crazy ideologues are readily available,
Mr. President, but if you want history to remember the next four years you really need to go all out and get some evil mothers to drive America into the ground. You blew your load the first time around and now you have to work twice as hard to top Herr Ashcroft and Wolfowitz the Butcher.

Trump doesn’t come cheap and Beelzebub only works on freelance consultant basis these days, still why not try…

Secretary of Commerce: Joe Simpson, music mogul
If this former youth minister can cram not one, but two untalented legally retarded daughters down our throats, imagine what he could do for do for consumer confidence. Anybody willing to overexpose his own brood to death and regulated their romantic lives based on cross-marketing potential is the kind of ruthless captain of industry we need steering the good ship Capitalism.

Advisor to the National Council on the Arts: Ron Artest
Now that he’s got lots of time on his hands, who better to beat an appreciation of the arts in to the collective heads of America than “Crazy Ron”? If he’s got time in between sessions for his rap album that is.

Secretary of Interior: Jake "the Snake" Roberts
Obvs this former pro wrester loves wildlife. Especially when feeding them to fucking gigantic snakes in his basement meth lab. If the Iron Sheik and his countrymen step out of line then effing blambo! Secretary "the Snake" puts them in their place.

Secretary of Transportation: Grumpy Old Man on the Corner who’s name we don’t know
"When I was your age we didn’t have no fancy AUTO-MOBILES. So we walked ‘till our feet got bloody and fell off. Then we’d stump hop until we could lasso a passing freight train or heard of buffalo and then drag on along behind… AND THAT WAS JUST TO PICK UP THE MORNING PAPER!"

Secretary of Health & Human Services: Vigo the Carpathian
Also known as Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised and Vigo the Unholy. On a mountain of skulls, in a castle of pain, he sat on a throne of blood! What was will be! What is will be no more! Now is the season of evil!

That's why our baby mothers love us but they hate each other
They probably wanna take each other out and date each other

November 19, 2004

News you can't use


What no Estelle?

The idea of someone buying this DVD set just creeps me out. Some pervy guy putting Blanche on super slo-mo... [BARF]

Allow me to consult my hair before answeringMedia mogul Mel Karmazin has been named CEO of Sirius Satellite Radio.

Negotiations to hire Karmazin's Hair as CFO of Sirius are still on going. The top-mop-in-media gained an extra measure of fame last year through it's pioneering joint program with the World Wildlife Fund's and the Hairclub for Men, where it's not only the President, but also a member.

I'm gonna eat yer babyGreenspan's appetite for dollars to dwindle.

Said the FED Chairmen, "Chaney really turned me on to the flesh of infants, and since I got on that kick, I just lost my taste for dollars."

MVB says brumskiModel and TV personality Tyra Banks was in attendance at this week's violent outburst at the Vibe Awards.

"I thought about trying to break up the knife fight, but I was sort of scared about the knife hitting my boob. If that happened, the air rushing out would fly me around the room like Yosemite Sam in a Bugs Bunny cartoon."

My hip-hop drops on your head like ra-a-ain
And when it rains it pours, cause my rhymes hardcore
That's why I give you more of the raw
talent that I got will riz-ock the spot
MC's I'll be bur-r-rnin, bur-r-rnin hot

November 18, 2004

So what? I won the Mr. Kinderhook hot buns contest from 1815-1827

I guess he's hot for an alive guyPeople magazine named Jude Law the sexiest man alive in its latest issue.

Big freakin' deal. I mean how many men are even alive? Maybe 3 billion?

What kind of wiener competition is that?

The sexiest dead man award -- now that's a competition baby.

Couldn't find a picture of Attila the Hun, so here's Attila the HenBelieve it or not the sexiest dead guy for 2004 was first time winner, Attila the Hun.

Who knew he was even mildly attractive?

Apparently, underneath that whole leathery-barbarian-warlord exterior beat the heart of a real Hungarian hunk.

Best known for his campaign of terror and conquest in western Europe in the 450's, Attila also really likes goat milk baths ("good for the complexion," claims the Hun) and long walks on the beach.

Attila's victory is considered somewhat of a coup, considering the recent hype around Alexander the Great and perennial favorite, John F. Kennedy.

"I usually poll so well among dead people," said Kennedy, "I really don't know what happened."

Confucius beforeThe awards were of course not without controversy. For the 1,971 year in a row Jesus was denied eligibility in the contest.

"It's either because of the whole resurrection thing or because the eligibility committee hates Jews," said the messianic ex-carpenter.

"But then I thought, what would I do? So I forgave them, natch. That's how I roll."

Son of God yes, but also one HELL of a good sport.

Confucius after discovering International MaleEven now sexiest dead guy prognosticators are already speculating on who will win in 2005 and they have their eye on an early favorite -- Confucius.

"He's been getting really buff at the gym lately and believe it or not, he's shaved off the beard!" Said long time friend and Han Dynasty Court Historian, Sima Qian. "It's totally crazy, imagine one of the ZZ Top guys took off his beard and a young Paul Newman was under there -- that's the kind of change we're talking about.

Down at the chop-chop, 600th and Rock
Crazy as a fox trying to rob Fort Knox

November 16, 2004

Okay now I'm worried

Looks like someone told Puffy they were going to vote but did notOnly one person was stabbed at the Vibe awards!

David Lee Roth is getting a real job!

And now this!

Why on earth would we want a person who's area of foreign relations expertise is the Soviets to be our nation's chief diplomat?


Black is white, up is down, left is right.

Only three of these kids are ODB's?  Yeah right.I mean next I suppose you're going to tell me that ODB only had 3 kids...

Oh crap.

He means dirty, down to the floor
See my name is the Ol'DB and I'll beat your ass

November 14, 2004

Chest Pains Ain't Nuthing to Fuck With

We miss you already Dirt

Nothing less than a completely original American talent and a national treasure.

R.I.P. O.D.B..

So gimme my streaks and gimme my honey
Radio paly this all day, everyday
Recognize I'm a fool and you luuuuuuv me

November 12, 2004

Best Rap Albums Ever?

EW says this is the best rap album ever...Entertainment Weekly has created a list of the 25 greatest rap albums of all time to coincide with the 25th anniversary of the first rap single to hit the R&B chart, Rapper's Delight by the Sugar Hill Gang.

Does anyone else feel like this is a bit like Ebony doing the top 10 greatest hair metal bands or the Source ranking the works of Merchant and Ivory?

I certainly understand rap's ability to transcend the color line in terms of appeal and cultural relevance; not to mention it's ability to transcend across generations and in my own case the very mortal coil of existence. But seriously how credible is EW in the rap world?

Didn't they discover rap sometime after Lil Kim's third face?

Let me further illustrate my point with a historical illusion.

Artist rendering of the douche bagCongressman Davey Crockett (yes, that Davey Crockett, born on a mountain top, ass shot up at the Alamo) once accused me of dressing like a "gay".

I could have pointed out that same sex intercourse, not clothes makes the homosexual. That MVB and the ladies were on very good terms, that taking a bath and wearing a pirate shirt (hey it was the 19th century, pirates were big) and a tailored suit were befitting a gentleman of my stature. I could have also pulled out my revolvers and popped a cap in his hillbilly ass.

But I didn't get to be President by behaving in such a manner.

I simply asked everyone a simple question.

Good people, are you going to take fashion advice from a guy wearing a fur hat in Washington... in July?

It's sticky as a mutha out here, must be 90 degrees and 95% humidity and the pioneer statesmen has a raccoon tattooed to the top of his head.

And seriously, did you really need to leave the tail on the hat? We all know it's fur, isn't the tail just taking the hunter/gatherer thing a bit too far. And don't get me started on grown men who call themselves, Davey.

Your hands in the air, your mouth, shut!
Cuz I'm on the mic and Eric B is on the cut

November 11, 2004

Gossip Round Up

It's been a bit heavy around here with elections and politics and uhhh stuff. So we thought we'd hit up the old gossip pages for some more light hearted fare.

Liza Minnelli's former body guard M'Hammed Soumayah's claims he was forced to have sex with his boss and that she repeatedly beat him.


M'Hammed are you even gay?

That's what I thought. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury I rest my case, mm'kay.

M'Hammed, despite having an apostrophe in his name is no Joel Grey or Steve-o Guest -- so there is no way Liza Minnelli would have raped him…

Excuse me, I just had one of those little pukes in my mouth.

In other news, Madonna has written a children’s book pointing out that "wealth is overrated."

WWoMVB conducted a nationally representative survey of Americans in line at 7-11 for Cooler Ranch Doritos and Mega Millions tickets, 94% said Madge was, "a stupid whore" and an additional 87% said, "she should shut the eff up."

Irish author, Roddy Doyle has written a new book that "tackles jazz in America"... we'll just leave that for Peabs.

Picked up the telephone and dialed the seven digits.
Yo this is Marquis baby, are you down with it?

November 10, 2004

Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out

BOOBSAttorney General and mondo-prick, John Ashcroft has "decided" to leave the justice department, saying it needed, "fresh inspiration."

Ashcroft said he first truly considered leaving the Bush administration when after last week's election, Dick Chaney kicked him in the nuts and said, "get the fuck out."

Beltway speculation suggests that former Deputy Attorney General Larry Thompson is the front runner to take over the nation's highest law enforcement position.

However, this writer thinks pundits and everyday Americans would be wise not to count Beelzebub out of the running.

My friends call me Zebub.Born in the inky-darkness of pre-historical hate and evil, Beelzebub, also know as “the lord of the flies” and Achor to the Cyreneans earned a law degree from Pepperdine and also holds an undergraduate degree in interdisciplinary studies from The Ohio State University. Currently licensed to practice law in Delaware, Beelzebub splits his time between this world and the next and is considered one of the leading experts on the contractual transfer of souls.

Reached for comment at his bi-monthly luncheon for war mongers and other miscellaneous purveyors of hate and suffering held at the Chi-Chi's in Dupont Circle Beelzebub noted, “I think being Attorney General would be a hell of an opportunity – I mean it’s not like I don’t already know what’s going on there, but that corner office is hela-nice and the benefits are tits.”

God show me the way because the Devil trying to break me down

November 09, 2004

You act like you've never seen a boob before

If you liked the first one, wait til you see the second one!I'm getting a little concerned that my fellow country men and women are a little too easily titillated.

Take for example Ms. Tara Reid's haggard and gnarled breast, which made an unannounced appearance at P Diddy's party last week -- the scared nipple got almost as much play last week as "moral values."

I'm not trying to say we should look away or ignore bared breasts, far from it, but I'm not sure it's really news worthy.

Dolly Madison once gave a high tea for the state department wearing only a smile (she got a bit forgetful at time). Never even made the papers, not because people didn't care, it just wasn't that big of deal.

In 1832, President Jackson gave his entire State of the Union address to both houses of congress with his sack hanging out of his pants. Now granda, he was behind a podium, but he kept turning around to the Speaker of the House and myself and giving us thumbs up and balls out during the speech.

This is probably the first time I've ever mentioned the event.

So, in closing and summation, everyone loves boobs, nutsack, not so much, and in either case, it's not such a big deal.

17 years later I'm as Rude as Jude
Scheming on the first chick with the hugest boobs

November 08, 2004

CNN Toying with the Idea Running All Programing in Green-vision

On the eve of his second term, there has been much talk about how President Bush might modify his approach to governance, considering he spent a large portion of his first term raising money and running for his second term (when he wasn't taking naps -- natch).

The right wing pundits and advisors are talking about spending all the "political capital" George Bush has amassed on an anti-gay marriage constitutional amendment (a completely foolish waste of effort, tax dollars and time considering the vast majority of state are moving to keep that practice illegal and the "defense of marriage act" is still the law of the land and has never been challenged in court) and privatizing social security (with no way to pay for the transition of course).

Not quite sure what planet these guys are on, they certainly are allowed to gloat over a victory and I do understand 51% is a majority, but frankly 1% of political capital doesn't buy what it use to.

The rest of the world is hoping that Bush will re-engage the Mid East Peace Process after the demise of Mr. Arafat and perhaps in earnest seek out a more multi-lateral foreign policy in other global theaters.

Why would anyone believe this president might modify his behavior in his second term? Furthermore, why would anyone suspect his second term will be more successful than his first?

HURRY HARRIET CNN'S DONE GONE GREEN AGAINHere's our recent record of multi-term Presidents.

Clinton, career debilitating blow job ironically neuters his presidency, Regan, Iran Contra scandal that in many ways undermined the increased global stability he helped bring by easing tensions with the Soviets, Nixon, everyone remembers Watergate, but he also continued to pursue a Viet Nam policy of "Vietnamization" that was an utter disaster, Johnson, while not technically a two term President, he did serve more than 4 years and treated his full term much like a second term, escalating the Viet Nam war and then bailing himself out and leaving his country with the disastrous results.

Even now, what’s the first thing Bush is doing as a victor? Trying to finish the work of his first term blunders in Iraq.

Today our Marines go to "clean" out Falluja, something the President couldn't "afford" to do during the election cycle and something he failed to plan for before invading the country.

My advice for the President would be to stockpile his "political capital" until the Iraq situation is better in hand -- far lesser situations have brought down far greater men in their second terms.

My expectation is that our TV news will be dominated by night-vision-green for sometime -- that alone makes any success by this president very difficult.

No more blood for oil, we got our own battles to fight on our own soil
No more psychological warfare to trick us to thinking that we ain’t loyal

November 05, 2004

What's a guy got to do to get a response around here?

If you've ever had a problem with a merchant of any sort, you may have noticed that a well written letter of dissatisfaction will often quell the source of your discontent.

Being no longer able to put quill to paper so to speak I was very pleased to find While I don't usually do plugs, this website makes it very easy to register one's satisfaction or dissatisfaction, even if said person is entombed in a electrophonic purgatory of unexplained origin.

The following is an example of a complaint I recently registered with the Chili's organization. I do have access to the broadcasts of moving pictures here and their requests for patronage are virtually incessant in that medium.

I only have resorted to posting my correspondence here, because I have inexplicably yet to receive a response.


October 18, 2004

Mary Jo Robbins, Customer Service
6820 LBJ Freeway
Dallas, TX 75240

Martin Van Buren
1013 Old Post Road
Kinderhook, NY 12106
(518) 758-9689


Dear Mary Jo Robbins,

I'm writing to bring your attention to a problem I had with the experience at your restaurant. I'm sure you value your customers and want to keep them, so I hope you will take this complaint seriously and come up with a quick resolution.

What is the deal with your advertisements? After all these many long years is their a soul left on earth that does not know you offer baby back ribs for purchased consumption? I did not reform the federal banking system and save the Union from the panic of 1837 just so you could insistently blather on about baby's ribs.

My overall experiences with your company have been very unpleasant. I will never eat at your restaurant again. I will avoid recommending you to others.

Here's how I'm hoping you will fix the problem: Put your CEO on the talking picture tube and let him swear an oath that while air may permeate his lungs, another advertisement for baby back ribs will never grace the airwaves, printed page or electrophonic computer screens. Likewise the mistake will never be repeated with fajitas, macho nachos or anything that can be dipped in a spicy blue cheese sauce.

I appreciate your taking the time to read this. I hope you can help me with my problem. The sooner, the better.

Martin Van Buren
8th President of the United States of America

John Sweeney
Maurice Hinchey
Charles Schumer
Hillary Clinton

I'll make ya hot and spicy like some huevos rancheros
Then hit the Knicks game with my man Don Terros

November 04, 2004

4 Out 5 Doctors Agree

U.S. researchers said on Thursday they had found sperm nursery cells in mice, grown them in lab dishes and used them to father baby mice.

Sperm Nursery is so Nov. 4, 2004, but like earlier in the morning before lunchReached for comment, head researcher, Hiroshi Kubota noted that this could be a break through in genetic research and could offer new treatments for previously terminal diseases, much like stem cells. "Plus, Sperm Nursery is like a totally boss name for a metal band," said Kubota.

Noted blogger and recent Presidential candidate, Peabs agreed that Sperm Nursery was indeed a good band name.

"That's fabulous! It's up there with Cock Hoagie or The Mulato Pulatis."

Ms. Modernage and Ultragrrrl could not be reached for comment, but we can assume they've already seen Sperm Nursery multiple times and really tend to prefer their early stuff, before that NME staffer almost wrote a Pitchfork article about them.

My speech is my recital.

November 03, 2004

How to tell a Celebrity their candidate lost

Meathead, so sad today.  Poor Meathead. Sad.With this afternoon’s durst-of-all-time concession by Kerry maybe we’ve all been feeling a little sorry for ourselves. I know my friend Gary has retreated to his model ships and whoring to easy the pain, while I can only hopelessly scan Slate every three minutes absurdly looking for an explanation outta William Saletan and old Doonsebury’s. But perhaps as many disappointed, "rational folks" half-heartedly check Expedia for transport to Vancouver, maybe we’re forgetting who really was blindsided by this election – who really got hurt.

We’re getting word now that P. Diddy has locked himself in a dressing room of the Versace store on 5th Ave and Ashton Kutcher walked off the set of his up-coming Mark Spitz biopic. Babs Streisand had to be sedated after husband James Brolin foolishly came between her and an Entenmann's bunt cake.

Better than vote or sing right?For god’s sake kiddos, somebody get to John Mellencamp before he turns on the news. And try to keep these helpful reminders in mind before you break the awful news to Celebs: They’re fragile.

-Don’t wait. Although most celebrities could go weeks before hearing about the non-fame related events, eventually a careless manservant might let it slip or they’ll slowly stop seeing the Kerry daughters in US Weekly. Tell them soon so the healing can start.

-Find a comforting location or activity to distract the celebrity. Buying them a sundae at The Viper Room or help them polish their jewelry.

-Bring satellite maps to help explain the existence of the South.

-Remind them that John Kerry is only metaphorically dead and that they can visit the Senator when ever they want – if only in their hearts.

-Vicodin. Trust me.

-Oh and if it’s John Bon Jovi, punch his balls in. Seriously, right up into his throat.

-It would really help out if you went and saw “Surviving Christmas” this weekend too. Ben’s been sulking enough as it is. Desperate times, desperate measures… yada yada... aww fuck me.. who am I kidding... this is BUllSHit.

Used, abused without clues
I refused to blow a fuse
They even had it on the news

Right now, I'm Pretty Glad to be Dead

They all suckSo perhaps having faith in the American people was a bit... overly optimistic.

John Kerry may perhaps still win the Presidency through some legal wrangling, but
as Joseph Stalin said, "Those who cast the votes decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything."

And everybody knows what a douche he was.

It seems the course of this country is set for many years to come with a staunchly partisan Republican majority in congress and very likely several supreme court justice seats changing hands firming up a staunchly conservative court.

While the sane among us will likely sob and lament the ignorance of our fellow country men, if we ever expect to do anything about it we must face the real underpinnings of the election.

Today as yesterday and four years ago, half the country is seething at the prospect of George Bush representing this country -- if history is any guide, he has little capacity or desire to do anything about this and in four more years about 50% of the country will feel exactly like it does today.

Instead of rallying the "base" what can people who believe strongly about the values of civil rights, globally respectable diplomacy, and social welfare do to combat a now likely firmly ensconced political majority.

Over the next several days, I'll be outlining a few ideas about what those of us at the grassroots level and below (SIX FEET BELOW) can do in the long, painful uphill struggle we'll be engaging in for the rest of your natural lives.


I was lyin', so was she.
She said her name was donna,
But her shirt said marie.
Once you get to know me,
You'll never forget me.
I said why, then she bit me.

November 02, 2004

Fear not, the people may be deluded for a moment, but cannot be corrupted.

You would have thought women would have liked him more since he's such as doucheThat's what President Jackson wrote me in 1838 during the absolute dregs of my tragedy filled presidency.

It's remarkable only in that in the entire time I served under the illustrious General Jackson, first as envoy to England, then as Secretary of State and finally as Vice-President the most eloquent thing I had ever heard him say was, "John Quincy Adams smells like dead-donkey-balls."

Which of course brings me to my point, Quincy Adams was the last half-retarded son of an ex-president to occupy the White House and he did in fact smell like the testicles of some species of burro in the various stages of decay.

Yet the flawed electoral college saw fit to install him as President in 1825. The American people of course righted that wrong in 1829, tossing out Adams by his Daddy's coat tails.

I implore the American people to similarly throw Mr. Bush out on his sorry, coked up ass.

By the way, I'd like to give a special shout out to all my fellow patriots from the five-boroughs who reached this site through our good friends at Gawker. I was quite proud to serve as a Senator, Governor and the first President from the great state of New York and I know my state will do me proud in helping elect John Kerry the next President of the United States today.

And to my boy Quique who sells bootleg DVDs off Canal street on the lower east side, keep the faith little brother, one day you gonna get yours!

Holla at ya' QUIQUE!

Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens and Staten
From the Battery to the top of Manhattan
Asian, Middle-Eastern and Latin
Black, White, New York you make it happen

November 01, 2004

Utter Bullshit


I must say this is pretty low even for a fish wrap like the New York Post.

Rupert Murdoch's worse than Fox News band of journalists have been reporting an alternate translation of the Bin Laden video from last week.

This translation suggests that Bin Laden will spare the Kerry states from terrorism and punish the Bush states.

Obviously, someone at the Post thinks reverse psychology is really clever.

I can only assume this idea that Bin Ladin is pro Kerry and therefore we should vote for Bush will be disseminated on talk radio, and Fox News for the rest of the day to charge up the loyal legion of one toothed Bushies who, "can't stand them no A-Rabs."

Don't believe the hype, VOTE KERRY, and drag every sane person you can to the polls along with you.

I know I'm looking forward to voting for the first time since the Kennedy v. Nixon election.

Used, abused without clues
I refused to blow a fuse
They even had it on the news
Don't believe the hype...