The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

November 10, 2004

Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out

BOOBSAttorney General and mondo-prick, John Ashcroft has "decided" to leave the justice department, saying it needed, "fresh inspiration."

Ashcroft said he first truly considered leaving the Bush administration when after last week's election, Dick Chaney kicked him in the nuts and said, "get the fuck out."

Beltway speculation suggests that former Deputy Attorney General Larry Thompson is the front runner to take over the nation's highest law enforcement position.

However, this writer thinks pundits and everyday Americans would be wise not to count Beelzebub out of the running.

My friends call me Zebub.Born in the inky-darkness of pre-historical hate and evil, Beelzebub, also know as “the lord of the flies” and Achor to the Cyreneans earned a law degree from Pepperdine and also holds an undergraduate degree in interdisciplinary studies from The Ohio State University. Currently licensed to practice law in Delaware, Beelzebub splits his time between this world and the next and is considered one of the leading experts on the contractual transfer of souls.

Reached for comment at his bi-monthly luncheon for war mongers and other miscellaneous purveyors of hate and suffering held at the Chi-Chi's in Dupont Circle Beelzebub noted, “I think being Attorney General would be a hell of an opportunity – I mean it’s not like I don’t already know what’s going on there, but that corner office is hela-nice and the benefits are tits.”

God show me the way because the Devil trying to break me down


Blogger C. Frigglesworth said...

This is the best news I've heard since Black Tuesday. (To paraphrase Damizz, 11/2 = the new 9/11.)

The man actually lost an election to a dead guy. (Which would be fairly easy to do if one ran against MVB, but this was some dude from Mizzou.)

Then Asscroft gets tapped as top cop and covers the topless Justice statue like the FCC on Janet Jackson WITHOUT IRONY.

Rudy G is another rumor, who I hate, but can live with (art-censoring, public records-hiding arrogant prick.)

10:21 AM  
Blogger C. Frigglesworth said...

Update: Now Alberto Dursto Gonzalez is the frontrunner. They know he'll get rejected for SC so they'll put him as AG. Effin reactionary.

1:11 PM  
Blogger Tommy said...

Not to get off track here, but Mr.President I'm really bothered by something I read the other day.

Men's Health says that Davy Crockett accused you of wearing corsets and behaving in a womanish manner. Is there truth to this? You are the ultimate playa and I'd hate to have to beleive otherwise if this indeed is true.
Clear this nonsense up once and for all.

9:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

JC Calhoun here: just a note to Ashcroft. You look funny with that areola above your face!! Maybe you should have draped it or something.

12:57 PM  
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