The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

November 23, 2004

Go with fine Amish Oak

Once during my tenure as Minister to Great Britain, President Jackson, cheap backwoods bastard that he was, decided to skimp on my travel expense account. Thus I found myself slowly sinking in the middle of the Atlantic on a decommissioned War of 1812 man-of-war, overburdened with waterlogged bureaucrats and Kentucky mash-liquor.

The eventual exodus of vermin straight from the ship’s hold out into the ocean was about a stern a political metaphor as I ever witnessed. Cracking open a case of 150 proof “rum” (that was also used to swab the poop deck) and slumping down on the deck, what I figured out is that even a filthy rat has enough basic survival sense to take their chances in open water, rather wait it out on a doomed ship.

My stocking again felt wet and I could practically taste the White Lightening watching Bush’s cabinet stumble over each other, clawing to get their way out of the White House last week. Sigh, maybe it’s just as well, a new term deserves some remodeling. Bush seems happy to promote in-house, letting Comrade Condie apply her Cold War wisdom to the boiling War on Terror™ and run the Defense Department, and Margaret Spellings, the cross-eyed tart who wrote No Child Left Behind, take over the Department of Education.

We didn’t allow women folk in the West Wing during my administration. My security detail assured me their menstruational secretions attracted Kodiak bears, which still roamed freely through Washington’s streets in those days.

I understand they have since been domesticated and are deployed at night on The Mall to pick up tourist’s trash and hunt for Persian saboteurs. The bears, not the women folk, duhvs.

Forgive the digression. I meant for this post to be purely instructive for Bonnie Prince W. as he further rebuilds his Cabinet in the coming weeks. I wanted to make a few suggestions, helping Bush to avoid depleting the nation’s boardrooms, car dealerships and country clubs of their precious weasel populations.

Spineless yes-men and bat-shit crazy ideologues are readily available,
Mr. President, but if you want history to remember the next four years you really need to go all out and get some evil mothers to drive America into the ground. You blew your load the first time around and now you have to work twice as hard to top Herr Ashcroft and Wolfowitz the Butcher.

Trump doesn’t come cheap and Beelzebub only works on freelance consultant basis these days, still why not try…

Secretary of Commerce: Joe Simpson, music mogul
If this former youth minister can cram not one, but two untalented legally retarded daughters down our throats, imagine what he could do for do for consumer confidence. Anybody willing to overexpose his own brood to death and regulated their romantic lives based on cross-marketing potential is the kind of ruthless captain of industry we need steering the good ship Capitalism.

Advisor to the National Council on the Arts: Ron Artest
Now that he’s got lots of time on his hands, who better to beat an appreciation of the arts in to the collective heads of America than “Crazy Ron”? If he’s got time in between sessions for his rap album that is.

Secretary of Interior: Jake "the Snake" Roberts
Obvs this former pro wrester loves wildlife. Especially when feeding them to fucking gigantic snakes in his basement meth lab. If the Iron Sheik and his countrymen step out of line then effing blambo! Secretary "the Snake" puts them in their place.

Secretary of Transportation: Grumpy Old Man on the Corner who’s name we don’t know
"When I was your age we didn’t have no fancy AUTO-MOBILES. So we walked ‘till our feet got bloody and fell off. Then we’d stump hop until we could lasso a passing freight train or heard of buffalo and then drag on along behind… AND THAT WAS JUST TO PICK UP THE MORNING PAPER!"

Secretary of Health & Human Services: Vigo the Carpathian
Also known as Vigo the Cruel, Vigo the Torturer, Vigo the Despised and Vigo the Unholy. On a mountain of skulls, in a castle of pain, he sat on a throne of blood! What was will be! What is will be no more! Now is the season of evil!

That's why our baby mothers love us but they hate each other
They probably wanna take each other out and date each other


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You stole that menstration/bears joke from the movie "Anchorman", you freaking hack.

2:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Will Ferrel didn't invent the fact that it was at one time believed that the smell of blood from menstration would attract bears. It goes back to the frontier... Nice world of reference you live in, you f'cking hand job.


2:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well said. If anybody is a hack it's Adam McKay who ripped off Daniel Boone.

12:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That Vigo thing is from Ghostbusters Two. What the fuck you trying to pull Van Buren???

12:24 PM  
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