The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

November 03, 2004

How to tell a Celebrity their candidate lost

Meathead, so sad today.  Poor Meathead. Sad.With this afternoon’s durst-of-all-time concession by Kerry maybe we’ve all been feeling a little sorry for ourselves. I know my friend Gary has retreated to his model ships and whoring to easy the pain, while I can only hopelessly scan Slate every three minutes absurdly looking for an explanation outta William Saletan and old Doonsebury’s. But perhaps as many disappointed, "rational folks" half-heartedly check Expedia for transport to Vancouver, maybe we’re forgetting who really was blindsided by this election – who really got hurt.

We’re getting word now that P. Diddy has locked himself in a dressing room of the Versace store on 5th Ave and Ashton Kutcher walked off the set of his up-coming Mark Spitz biopic. Babs Streisand had to be sedated after husband James Brolin foolishly came between her and an Entenmann's bunt cake.

Better than vote or sing right?For god’s sake kiddos, somebody get to John Mellencamp before he turns on the news. And try to keep these helpful reminders in mind before you break the awful news to Celebs: They’re fragile.

-Don’t wait. Although most celebrities could go weeks before hearing about the non-fame related events, eventually a careless manservant might let it slip or they’ll slowly stop seeing the Kerry daughters in US Weekly. Tell them soon so the healing can start.

-Find a comforting location or activity to distract the celebrity. Buying them a sundae at The Viper Room or help them polish their jewelry.

-Bring satellite maps to help explain the existence of the South.

-Remind them that John Kerry is only metaphorically dead and that they can visit the Senator when ever they want – if only in their hearts.

-Vicodin. Trust me.

-Oh and if it’s John Bon Jovi, punch his balls in. Seriously, right up into his throat.

-It would really help out if you went and saw “Surviving Christmas” this weekend too. Ben’s been sulking enough as it is. Desperate times, desperate measures… yada yada... aww fuck me.. who am I kidding... this is BUllSHit.

Used, abused without clues
I refused to blow a fuse
They even had it on the news


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are right. I was just thinking of my own pain and not that of the poor celebrities.

7:36 PM  
Blogger Adit said...

"Bring satellite maps to help explain the existence of the South."

Exactly! Precisely what was wrong with Vote or Die and Kerry Rocks. What? Do you want California and New York to vote MORE Democratically?

12:25 PM  
Blogger umlaut said...

I think Election 2004 should serve as a wake up call to the Rock The Vote camp: They need to ROCK HARDER!! Dump the singer songwriters and get the likes of SLAYER on board. I think it's obvious Joe Middle America doesn't want songs detailing a farmer's mortgage payment woes. They wanna here how Satan is gonna f*ck sh*t up. As KISS so eloquently said "God gave Rock and Roll to you...." Now, use it!

2:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I don't know if you know this, but parts of this post made it into today's Boston Herald. There were a few excerpts from it that were put into their version of Page Six.

If you want a photo/scan of this, let me know
-Vic (broccoli AT bc dot edu)

10:54 PM  
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9:51 PM  

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