The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

December 23, 2004

Listen Up Children

Damn I used to look FINESince the high holidays are upon us, I thought for one brief moment I would spare the wit and offer a bit of wisdom from the imminently quotable, me.


I only look to the gracious protection of the Divine Being whose strengthening support I humbly solicit, and whom I fervently pray to look down upon us all. May it be among the dispensations of His Providence to bless our beloved country with honors and length of days; may her ways be pleasantness, and all her paths peace.


Feel free to use that one at an office party or at a swinging New Years Eve bash, I've found it to be a real panty loosener.


With that I bid you a fond farewell for 2004 and hope to regale you with posts-a-plenty in 2005.


2 legit
2 legit to quit

December 20, 2004

Isn't he older than me?

Do you mind if I have some of your Sprite?Playboy recently announced it's releasing a video game based around founder, Hugh Hefner.


According to Playboy, "players assume the role of Hugh Hefner, complete with the pajamas known as his favorite attire, and must judiciously allot their time and money to start from nothing and create the magazine, direct photo shoots, construct the iconic mansion and socialize."


In level 8 you find out Lil Kim's a tranny!Other game missions include: Picking the pits out of prunes, designing a matching set of blinged out wheel chairs for Hugh and Fred Durst, coercing girls of the Big Ten to have sex with you in front of Scott Baio and Bill Maher, perfecting a nitro glycerin and viagra cocktail and competitive napping.


Larry Flint is also said to also be working on a game about his life, mixing equal parts graphic beaver shots and pooping your own pants.


And if I was dude
I'd tell y'all to suck my dick

December 16, 2004

Join team Zissou!


You too can join team Zissou!

It's totally easy just visit the fan club page at the website!

Said Kobe, "I'm named after a steak!"

I should be MVP bitches

Reports are coming in that Kobe Bryant would like to apologize to Shaq for telling police investigators that Miami's star center often paid women up to a million dollars to keep quiet after raping them.


"I really think saying I'm sorry would make me feel good," said the Lakers All-Star. "I mean, not as good as forcing some little white girl to take it in the butt and getting away with it, but you know kind of warm and fuzzy sort of like when you get a BJ from a stripper and don't have to pay for it."


That'll be $2 millionSources close to Shaquille O'Neal have suggested that Kobe can "liq" a "diq."


This reminds me of when John Quincy Adams used the campaign slogan, "Andrew Jackson's mother is whore."


Years later, Quincy Adams asked to meet with General Jackson to apologize for the campaign getting so out of hand.


I met with him in the foyer of the White House and had the butler take his coat, hat and walking stick--the trap was set!


John C masta of the poo hat! I then proceeded to distract him with a story about how the President had been detained with some daft ambassador from Bavaria and would be unable to meet with him.


All the while Vice President John C. Calhoun was taking a dump in Quincy Adams hat!


The old poop hat trick never fails!


If today's Democrats were as studied as we were in the niceties of real politick, we wouldn't have another ‘tarded son of an ex-President in the White Houses.


Holy diver, i'm a survivor
Feeling like DeNiro in Taxi Driver
With Jodi Foster, and Harvey Keitel
Looks like I'm walking through a living Hell

December 15, 2004

Live from the Video Game Awards

Who was the big winner at last night's Video Game Awards?


That's right nobody gives a shit.


It's the kind of program you surf by and say, "Hmmm... I wonder if The Geroge Lopez Show is still on?"


And no one has ever watched that show ever.


George Lopez doesn't even exist.


He's a complete fabrication of ABC.


Has anyone actually ever seen this so called George Lopez?


NO.


Because he's made up like George Washington and George Thorogood.


If you are waiting around for any George to show up you might as well pray the tooth fairy will stop by to stop the drunken rage of the Easter Bunny and Kwanzaa Karl.


Do i look like a mind reader sir, i don't know
Am i under arrest or should i guess some mo?
"Well you was doing fifty five in a fifty four"

December 10, 2004

Big Boned My Presidential Ass

Some guys like em' thickRecently there has been some talk in various sources about "a return" to a standard of beauty from times gone by.


Proponents of this change in the preference of body type say that it is more "natural" and more realistic -- that the so called Oven Stuffers better represent "inner beauty."


They also better represent fat chicks.


The truth is back in my time, people weren't any more or less into fat chicks then they are now. And in fact, since people actually had to do shit for themselves, there were proportionally fewer fat chicks around.


Also, people missrepresent painted portraits from the pre-photography era. I'm sure a few painters were chubby chasers and just painted fat chicks cause they dug them, but most of the rest of the dudes were just crappy painters. They'd start trying to paint a skinny dame and when they'd eff it up, they'd just use more paint, until by the time they were finished, she looked as big as a barn.


Believe me if Paris Hilton walked into my father's tavern in Kinderhook, dudes would have been all over her skinny ass.


With that tight little frame, most guys in my time would have blown off a "zaftig" babe at the bar to hit on her and been able to pass off her "google" eye as simply the result of an unfortunate mule kick.


36-24-36
Only if she's 5'3"

December 08, 2004

President's Guide to a Beat Down

Over the last several weeks I have avoided speaking about the unfortunate series of events at the Palace of the Auburn Hills, but on the eve of charges being brought against the players and fans I do believe it is time to break my silence.


Regular whores, very disappointing First off I'd like to note that the name the Palace of the Auburn Hills sounds very exotic. I would have expected it to be filled with halls of gilded gold, wafts of smoke from incense and opium, harems of dancing girls garbed in the finest silks.


A big wood floor, plastics seats and some painted whores squeezed into mini-skirts does not a stately pleasure-dome make.


I should not have expected that a suitable Xanadu or Shang-Ra-La could be constructed in the wilderness of the Michigan Territories, but one can always hope for more.


But I digress.


Smells like shitI found it most unfortunate that the Pacers of Indiana decided to charge into the viewing stands to accost their tormenting audience.


It's just a terribly ineffective way to seek revenge.


Once an all-star rounders team from Albany came through Kinderhook challenging the local men to a tournament to prove their superiority with ball and bat.


We of course accepted the challenge.


During the course of the game one of their bench players hurled a tankard of ale at one of my basemen.


Of course in my time, tankards were made of pewter and of a sufficient weight that my teammate's skull was split asunder.


We did not immediately take our revenge, merely asking the official to re-establish order and verbally chastise the offender.


Sometimes, you just have to kill a man's horse. After the game however, my friend Gary brought in the town constable and accused the team of littering and public lewdness. While the bulk of our rivals and the constable were distracted, we separated the offending tankard hurler, held him to the ground and broke his wrists with rounders bats.


We then tied him to his saddle and horse, which we shot so that the horse would run wildly for many miles before bleeding out and collapsing, hopefully on the douchebag's legs.


I can't remember who won the game that day, but when a cockface gets his comeuppance and no one gets caught, we're all winners.


The chase ain't over the battle ain't done yet
Get your ass out of town before sunset

December 07, 2004

Two headed love child of pain and evil

Mick Mars and Motley Crue in Weekend at Bernie’s 3!Bill Clinton's pimping a new Chinese search engine?


That's a weird combo.


Motley Crue is getting back together?


Well honestly, you know nothing good can come from that.


Fox News is going to be "news" content provider for Clear Channel?


I can't wait for their flag waving rallies on liberal media bias, followed objective reporting on unpatriotic dissent.


Fox mogul, Rupert Murdock stated, we've managed to pass utter bullshit off as "news" in print, the internet and on TV, radio was really the last scrap of media we needed to reinforce with a constant barrage of lies and deceit... OR WAS IT???????


Creep wit me, as we take a lil' trip down memory lane
Been here longer than anyone in the game
And I ain't got to lie about my age

December 06, 2004

Tommy Thompson... WHAT A KIDDER!

Tommy Thompson, Tommy Tune, who cares!  They're both FAB-U-LOUSOutgoing Secretary of Health and Human Services, Tommy Thompson warned America that it is woefully unprotected against "food terror."


President Bush however, tried to downplay Thompson's comments as fear mongering that was not in keeping with the White House's approach to intimidation and terror breeding.


"It's this simple, we prefer bogymen with bombs, a stylistic choice perhaps, but that's just how Cheney likes it."


Thompson however remained un-swayed, sticking by his public comments.


"For the life of me, I cannot understand why the terrorists have not attacked our food supply because it is so easy to do. We are importing a lot of food from the Middle East, and it would be easy to tamper with that."

Forget about the food, what about Rikki Rockett's infectious POISON.The ex-secretary continued, "Or even in this country, let's say the terrorists went to Long Beach, dock 47 and while Lou the security guard was taking his "lunch break" for some gin and gin with a side of gin from 9:45 am to 10:15 am. They'd have full access to entire containers of Chilean fruit that they could go poison crazy on that shiznitz."


"It doesn't even need to be that sophisticated. Who among us hasn't put a cheeseburger between our ass cheeks at a company barbeque, pissed in the Sizzler salad bar or stuck our dick in grandma's mashed potatoes. A coordinated effort on the part of terror cells could mean our total food supply could be contaminated with 50%-400% more terrorist ass, piss and wiener germs!"


Mike D With The Vinyl With The Grooves So Rare
And The Rhymes That We're Are Doo Doo
Shit, if it's going to be that kind of a party
I'm gonna stick my dick in the mashed potatoes
Been Makin' With The Freak Freak, So Unique
I Been Learning From The Elders Now It's Time To Speak

December 03, 2004

Carlos D Gave this Guy's Girlfriend Herpes

It's the Shankers that make me sad.I have only one question for this dude's girl.


What did you expect?


He has D in his name for goodness' sake. Plus, his part starts below his ear, which is SOOOO creepy wrong -- it might actually be CRONG TM.


Imagine if she slept with Peabs, she'd probably be incubating one of those things from Aliens... you know, a bald actor that's often stronger in a supporting role rather than a lead. Perhaps, Sigourney Weaver or Charles S. Dutton.


Thanks to Jazz-bot at Gawker for the link buzz.


Boy thinks of that big fat back
Big black fat love, big black fat
Girl calls boy to stand him up on Saturday

December 01, 2004

And they wonder why we revolted

Prince of Wales, Duke of Soggy Biscuit AwardsHeir to the monarchy of Great Britian, Prince Charles gave a royal comendation to a British Ceral company yesterday.


The cereal in question, Weetabix, is a wheat biscuit that turns soggy when milk is added.


It's best-selling cereal in Britain.


The second best selling cereal?


Admiral Cocksinear's Toasted Gristle and Shat Rounds.


How bad does your country's food have to suck for soggy wheat biscuits to win royal awards?


Earl of NuttsacI remember a visit to London during the regin of William IV, I was meeting with some inbred Hanoverian twat of some aristocratic persuasion and he asked me over tea if, "I might like some Marmite?"


I simply returned the question with, "Would you like a kick to your tiny Marquis de Nutsack?"


It was at that point that his head exploded, in part because I willfully ignored the difference between French and English in his presence and two because he was a pea brained jack off.


Geezerz looking ordinary and a few looking leery
Chips fly round the sound of the latest chart entry