The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

January 31, 2005

Posting Once a Week Better than No Posting at All?

Some say, that's a crock of shit.


On to Monday's RECKLESS SPECULATION!!!!

Would have been better with JesusContrary to popular rumor, Jesus the Christ will not be making his second coming at this year's Coachella Festival. This also probably puts the breaks on Satan's thousand years of pain tour that was rumored to kick off this summer with Wolf Eyes and Tegan and Sara in support.


Dutch Scientists say that smoking harms women more than men.

Jeez women, what's the deal? Can't deal with a little smoky treat? Ya sound like a bunch of gays.


Michael Jackson fans gathered outside a California court room today hoping to catch of glimpse of the King of Pop, maybe a stray nose or even some wine in a Coke can with a ho-jo chaser.


Dude's LOADED!!!Great White singer, Jack Russell has yet to answer lawsuits over incinerating most of his fan base in a 2003 club fire.


Said a confused Russell, "Jack Russell never answers to the Suits."


Dude, they're not that kind of... oh never mind.


Russell should probably be leary of lawsuits, after all he did earn a small fortune for his work in Frasier.


Marlon Brando's Tahitian ex-wife, Tarita Teriipaia has written a book about her 43-year relationship with the dominate acting presence of the 20th Century.


It's better to be down with brownThat reminds me, John C Calhoun had a thing for Tahitian chicks.


He never actually saw one, but he once heard some naval officers describing how hot they were -- I can only assume he came into the conversation after they mentioned they were brown -- the racist SOB never would have gone for it otherwise.


I can only assume he believed Tahiti to be a small Island off of Iceland, filled with busty Nordic sex goddesses.


Hmmm, Nordic Tahitian sex goddesses, come to think of it, that does sound pretty good.


I'm the ace in the place kickin' rhymes in your face
I'm outright, outstanding, outrageous, I'm smokin
Never play on the mic, no jivin', no jokin

January 24, 2005

It's Monday So It Must Be Time For...

RECKLESS SPECULATION!!!!!!


That's right, it's our newest feature at WWMVB, Reckless Speculation.


In this weekly feature, we'll give you all the news that the even most culturally illiterate, spiteful and bile incrusted retards won't print!


By now, everyone has heard that Johnny Carson died at age 79, but did you know that according to a source we'll only refer to as "Johnny's Son" to protect his identity, it was the mere mention of Fran Drescher's new sitcom that killed the late night king?


This weekend Christian Slatter was involved in a knife attack in which no one was stabbed or even cut. The Reckless Speculation desk can only recklessly speculate that the assailant of the desperate for any effing headline anywhere ex-star-hunk was either Stephen Hawking, the long dead Queen Mum or the "I have no legs guy" from Kids.


Did you know the "family illness" that is delaying the new U2 tour is actually a chronic shortage of Bono's Grecian Formula caused by the recent TSUNAMI?


MAYBE THEY SHOULD START CALLING IT SRI LANKIAN FORMULA!!!!


This just in from our man with his ear to the ground, SIX FEET UNDERGROUND THAT IS, former Secretary of State and corrupt bargain maker, Henry Clay, your Mom's a bit of slut.


For a Whig, Henry you slay me, even though I'm ALREADY DEAD!!


Back to the fact I'm the Mack and I know that

January 21, 2005

Oh, that sounds fun

that is the grossest thing I ever heardInaugural balls... for something with the word "balls" in them they sound pretty tame to me.


Some say dullest balls since Bocce.


Here's a quick breakdown of the President's evening:


The Bush's visited all 10 Inaugural parties


Got home to the White House by 10pm, an hour and a half ahead of schedule.


Babs Bush breast fed Duyba for 20 minutes and he was out like a light.


And people wonder why this guy has to invade countries to get a boner.


Pussy momma's boy.


Now I cold rock a party in a b-girl stance
I rock on the floor make the fellas wanna dance

January 20, 2005

Stick and Stones Will Break Your Bones, Unless You're Surrounded by Heavily Armed Security

Feel safe?

So today is inauguration day, yippe frickin' skippy.


Yes there are crazy parties and designer dresses for the cute twin and "the other one," but in all likelihood this inauguration will be remembered for yet again stepping security up a notch.

There are a 100 fortified blocks in every direction of the White House and Capitol Hill.


Snipers. Bomb sniffing dogs. Undercover agents and police of all conceivable varieties and jurisdictions. Miles of metal barricades. Military fly overs, etc. etc.


DANGER DANGERMost ridiculous of all, protesters (who due to what the administration must deem an annoying clause in the first amendment have a right to assemble, all be it on a very small piece of real estate) are not allowed to put their signs on poles or sticks.

We've surrounded the President and his posse with more armed men then we sent into Iraq and we're concerned about sticks?


During the last Bush parade, his car was egged -- that's as much danger as the douche bag's ever been in -- contracting salmonella after being compelled to lick the door handle of his limo.


Sticks aren't very effective against snipers last time I checked. Is the real reason for the ban more about information control than crowd control? And might the secret service be simply protecting the feelings of the President who is clearly oblivious of information that isn't spoon fed him?


Man can be greater than the thing he creates
See, I’m a do my thing and see how much I can scrape

January 18, 2005

Where's my day?

ED: Note, I'd like to welcome my contemporary, and Civil Rights Leader Frederick Douglass as guest blogger.

This is me Freddy DI'd like to thank my homeboy, and contemporary abolitionist MVB for giving me this forum to express my displeasure with yesterday's observance of Martin Luther King jr. Day.


Certainly, like MYSELF, Dr. King was a galvanizing leader in our nation's long struggle with race and civil rights.


And I'm not suggesting Dr. King doesn't deserve a holiday, after all he was instrumental in the changes of the 1960's, including the voting rights act of 1964.


On the other hand my work helped bring about the Civil War and the abolition of slavery... you know, I'm not trying to brag or anything, but before me, black people were slaves.


Pre-Freddy D, slaves.


Post-Freddy D, no slaves.


A stark contrast worthy of a national observance in my humble eyes.


I would even settle for a national Civil Rights observance that honored all civil rights heroes at once, much in the fashion of Presidents Day (Ed note: only a few shoping days left!!)


Don't piss off H. Tubs, she is one hard ladyI haven't had the chance to speak with Mr. X or W.E.B., but I know my girl Harriet Tubman is on board.


The other day she was all like, "I realize the guy was murdered, but I was on the underground railroad. Honkies shot at me like, every god damn day, I never got hit, but for real, I think I deserve some props."


And for those of you thinking to yourself, "what about national black history month?"


DON'T GET ME MUTHA EFFIN' STARTED!!!!


There's only 28 days in February and it's cold as balls -- it's just a whole other line of cracker bull shit.


Just another black man caught in the mix
trying to make a dollar out of 15 cents

January 14, 2005

You know what I was thinking?

This one belonged to the B-SharpsI was thinking that the Grammys didn't suck hard enough last year.


I mean don't get me wrong, they sucked.


In fact they sucked hard.


And while I'm sure that this year a bunch of washed up old popsters and adult contemporary singer songwriters will win awards and the voters who in the 20th century basically ignored most of the significant and impactful artists will continue to ignore significant and impactful artists in the 21st century; can't we take the sucking to a higher level?


One of these people never had their own tv show, and one of these people is still cool.Hmmm, what's that?


Queen Latifah's going to host?


AND you ate an entire wheel of cheese?


Wow, I'm not even mad, that's amazing.


Well I am sort of mad about the Queen Latifah thing.


You know how I feel about royalty.


Ladies first, there's no time to rehearse
I'm divine and my mind expands throughout the universe
A female rapper with the message to send the
Queen Latifah is a perfect specimen

January 13, 2005

It's the inbreeding that makes them stupid

Almost 10 pounds for Hols, what is the world coming to?Prince Harry of the United Kingdom reminded the world just how stupid royals are this week by dressing up like a Nazi at a party.


Man those people are pricks.


It is one of the great regrets of my life that I was not confirmed as Andrew Jackson's Minister to Great Britain.


While that incident did make me something of a political martyr, forever shifting the balance of political favor from my nemesis John C. Calhoun to myself and eventually resulting in my assent to the Vice-Presidency and the Presidency, I never got to fully employ my diplomatic talents towards what I believe would have been a revolution in foreign policy.


Had I been Minster to Great Britain I believe I could have forged a policy that out lasted even the Monroe Doctrine. The Van Buren Doctrine would be based on a simple premise, cash for a punch to the royal balls.


You get some dough, we get to give the boot to your hey nanner nannerYou see the standard of living in America surpassed the European standard sometime in the 17th century -- we are some rich bitches and virtually always have been. So we offer a monarch or parliament of a constitutional monarchy cold hard cash to let an American punch them in balls. We could even choose the ball puncher through a lottery and ship the lucky winner off on an all expenses paid sack whacking vacation.


First off, this helps confirm how much better our democratic republic is than other forms of government -- I mean seers, we've got enough cash to waste it on ball punches. Second, we avoid broader conflict by instituting a classic abusive relationship where we simultaneously intimidate and reward our "allies."


Of course we realize this is for their own good.


Now I know what you are thinking... what about queens?


Obvs, the Van Buren Doctrine has this covered with a simple kick to the hoo ha!


At our enemies, may they die easily
Long as they perish forever's what freedom means to me

January 12, 2005

Congrats

Mr and Mrs _____Nas and Kelis up and got married last Saturday.

According to publicist Tony Furguson, "if you were there, you were a friend or family member. They really wanted to keep it out of the press."


I guess that puts MVB in his place.


Where's the love Nas and Kelis?


Where
is
the
Love?


You may not talk about dead prez as much as Puffy or say, uh, The Dead Prez but seriously, does that mean I've just dropped off the face of the hip hop community entirely?


I mean, you don't even send over an evite?


What the hell?


But just to stay true, I think it's full-on dope that you both are taking each other’s non-existent last names.


I got nothing but love for you both.


I could teach you
but I'd have to charge

January 04, 2005

VH1 Re-Made Him Into a Potty Mouth

The FCC has yet to comment on the F-Bomb dropped by Vince Neil, who is best known for his work with Corey Feldman and the nerdy chick from 90210 on the Surreal Life.


Neil was performing with Motley Crue, which by the way nobody ever asked to reunite in the first place, on the Tonight Show New Year's Eve bash, which by the way, no one in their right mind would watch, when he said something.

That something was fuck.

Leave Hulk alone dickwadMedia experts agree that the FCC will be in an interesting position when it comes to fining NBC and the other respective parties.


"Only assholes watch the Tonight Show, so really only a small audience of said assholes could have actually witnessed the f-word and not one asshole on the West Coast could have seen it, cause they don't get shit live out there," said Larry Hughes, professor of TV repair at ITT Tech.


"But the thing is, most of the people at the FCC are assholes and they probably think Jay Leno is funny, which is utter bullshit, but does increase the chance that they would have witnessed this non-event live and therefore would issue some hefty fines."


Pop goes the weasel
Cause the weasel goes pop