The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

January 13, 2005

It's the inbreeding that makes them stupid

Almost 10 pounds for Hols, what is the world coming to?Prince Harry of the United Kingdom reminded the world just how stupid royals are this week by dressing up like a Nazi at a party.

Man those people are pricks.

It is one of the great regrets of my life that I was not confirmed as Andrew Jackson's Minister to Great Britain.

While that incident did make me something of a political martyr, forever shifting the balance of political favor from my nemesis John C. Calhoun to myself and eventually resulting in my assent to the Vice-Presidency and the Presidency, I never got to fully employ my diplomatic talents towards what I believe would have been a revolution in foreign policy.

Had I been Minster to Great Britain I believe I could have forged a policy that out lasted even the Monroe Doctrine. The Van Buren Doctrine would be based on a simple premise, cash for a punch to the royal balls.

You get some dough, we get to give the boot to your hey nanner nannerYou see the standard of living in America surpassed the European standard sometime in the 17th century -- we are some rich bitches and virtually always have been. So we offer a monarch or parliament of a constitutional monarchy cold hard cash to let an American punch them in balls. We could even choose the ball puncher through a lottery and ship the lucky winner off on an all expenses paid sack whacking vacation.

First off, this helps confirm how much better our democratic republic is than other forms of government -- I mean seers, we've got enough cash to waste it on ball punches. Second, we avoid broader conflict by instituting a classic abusive relationship where we simultaneously intimidate and reward our "allies."

Of course we realize this is for their own good.

Now I know what you are thinking... what about queens?

Obvs, the Van Buren Doctrine has this covered with a simple kick to the hoo ha!

At our enemies, may they die easily
Long as they perish forever's what freedom means to me


Blogger C. Frigglesworth said...

"The Van Buren Doctrine would be based on a simple premise, cash for a punch to the royal balls."

Last year Vanity Fair did an issue on 'nobility' and interviewed everyone from oxymoronic "constitutional monarchs" to the living heirs of lines that no longer rule. Interestingly, if the "king" of Italy ever sets foot on the peninsula, he can be killed, which seems quite sensible to me.

All so-called "nobles," ruling or not, had one thing in common: they sincerely believed the masses will tire of the democratic interregnum and bring back "popular" monarchy, any day now, second coming-stizz. So why restrict ourselves to the pugilistic pounding of patrician pubes? Open season on all nobles, muthafuckas.

Sic Semper Tyrannis.
Vivat Doctrina Buranae!

9:29 PM  
Blogger President Martin Van Buren said...

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