The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

February 28, 2005

Bart! Lisa! LOOK OUT

YOU ARE A FAT, HE'S A FAT
Sideshow Bob's escaped from prison again and has obviously killed the guy who sells programs at Circ de Sole for his clothes and been pounding le kremes de krispy like the diabolical madman he is.


Plus seers and full-on roebucks, nice effin' harmonies on your busted ass song -- it's called singing in tune ya' washed up cartoon crooning bastards.


Best Original Song?


More like weak ass category.


They couldn't even Booty-licious up those terds to make them palatable.

You got girl problems I feel bad for you son

February 23, 2005

Goodnight Gonzo

Too young, too young.As by now you've heard The Great Gonzo died by his own hand last weekend.


It's really so sad.


Presumably he shot himself with cannon filled with chickens, but we can only speculate until the autopsy comes out I guess.


Tastes like chickenApparently, police also would like to question this man, who was seen with Gonzo a few days before his death at a local Blotter, Acid, Handgun and Convertible trade show down by the fairgrounds.


If you know anything about his current location, you are of course encourage to contact local authorities, unless you're so paranoid you've locked yourself up with a bunch of grapefruit.


Don't let the drink get like that y'all, huh
Pour out a little liquor
Pour out a little liquor
What's that you drinkin on?

February 21, 2005

What do you buy for the dead President with everything?

Surprise me.


Happy President's Day one and all -- sorry you can't get your mail or go to the bank, but it leaves you more time to do that "last minute" President's Day shopping.


PS I don't need anymore deeply discounted toaster ovens.


He's the greatest of the greater, getting straight A's grade.
Playing fame cause his name is known in every state.
His name is Jay to see him play will make you say:
"Goddamn, that DJ made my day!"

February 18, 2005

I never liked you

I realize my success in all and every venture I consider vexes you quite terribly.


I can only assume my brilliance and overwhelming, magnetic machismo fill you with a burning envy that both inspires a seething fixation of hateful resignation and a paradoxical dose of awe, respect and desire.


I suppose it's easy enough to understand.


I am an awesome specimen.


A bigger man would forgive your consternation and frustration as the inevitable result of his own greatness.


Not me.


You see, I'm a bit on the short side and filled with a bit of the old Van Buren complex as a result (NAPOLEON can suck it).


I've always sensed that you smelled of root vegetables, and not the carrot or potato variety, but more of the turnip, rutabaga sort.


Before the bile soaked words you pass off for conversation pass your lips, you can see your very stupidity well up in your pores and begin to ooze like gangrenous puss.


I understand your mother died during your childbirth and I must admit I struggle to understand how a woman with the wisdom not to make your acquaintance could have not killed you in the womb?


I suppose that is a bit much to expect from a retarded prostitute.


Oh, and by the way you're sort of cunt.


Sincerely,
Your hero and the Bain of your existence
MVB


Taken from a note circulated to every member of the Senate upon my elevation from Vice-President to the Presidency

You step to Dre you step to Death Row

February 17, 2005

WORLD EXCLUSIVE JACKSON UPDATE


Earlier today Michael Jackson displayed what was clearly half of a note that had been ripped into two pieces from his LA hospital room .


WWMVB has gotten exclusive rights to photos of the other half of the note.


It's like a jungle sometimes it makes me wonder

February 15, 2005

Reasons I'm not Testifying for Michael Jackson

10. I died in 1862.
A minor detail that rarely keeps me out of the limelight.


9. Laughed uproariously when my friend Gary made a "whipping off Bubbles" joke--didn't see Tito behind the counter at Hardees.
I was slightly embarrassed, but got the curly fries anyway.


8. Once, asked Michael's dad when he decided to start wearing shoes.
Eight Men out jokes aren't as popular with domineering old black men as they are with say... John Cusack.


7. Uri Geller predicted the witness list would come down to me and David Blaine, Blaine won.
Blaine hangs with Leo, I hang with Andrew Jackson... and even the dude on the $20 can't compete with those baby blues.

6. Liz Taylor and I were briefly married in the 1850's, I'm sure she just doesn't want to run into me at the courthouse.
She looks a little rough now, but in the first half of the 19th century... hum-ana hum-ana!

5. They only really need one celebrity witness. That's right Stevie Wonder saw everything!
OH NO YOU DIDN'T! OH SNAP I DID! I make fun of the disabled, it's what I do.


4. Mark Geragos tried to imply that I killed Laci Peterson after that Satanist bullshit wouldn't fly.
I'm not one to hold a grudge, but that was pretty weak.

3. If I was in the courtroom there's a good chance I would undermine Jay Leno's testimony by repeating [cough]you're-a-effing-hack[cough] the entire time he was on the stand.
What can I say, I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

2. They said I was less articulate than Aaron Carter, less credible than Larry King and less drunk than Diana Ross.
Well when you've got a point, you've got a point.

1. I wasn't even asked.
[SIGH, single tear]


Look at me
I'm skinny
It never stopped me from getting busy

February 14, 2005

I hear that

Nice lady helps people.In a stunning achievement, researchers at the University of Michigan Medical School have reversed deafness in guinea pigs by inducing the formation of cochlear hair cells.


Reached for comment by telephone, Oscar winner Marlee Matlin said, "Will you stop calling on the phone, I can't hear what you are saying, I'm deaf, I can't hear at all, send me an email or use the TTY phones."


Matlin continued in her silly, slurred deaf lady voice, "you people are such assholes, calling deaf people on the phone to make fun of them, it isn't funny at all."


But it don't rain for four weeks some summers
And it's about to get real wild in the half

February 11, 2005

I'm Freakin Out Here MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!

New Mexico, even better than the real thing -- and it's in the USA according to this plateThis week the Bush White House asked the Supreme Court to block a New Mexican church from using the hallucinogenic, hoasca tea in it's religious ceremonies.


Good to know we've got our priorities in the war on drugs straight -- crack and horse still run the inner cities, every red state is practically busting at the gills with meth and hillbilly heroine and the Bush administrations is NARCIN' on a handful of old hippies searching for God in the desert.


IT'S NEW MEXICO!!!


Do you think there is something else to do out there?


Maybe go to Wal Mart, build a big freakin’ sand castle, watch your next door neighbor from 50 miles away throw pottery -- not a whole lot going on.


Well I think it's booty
b-b-b-booty
booty

February 08, 2005

Sit with me at the Black Table

Page down on this link and you'll find my entry on this week's edition of the Black Table's Black List.


I go uptown
I come back home
Just me
Myself
And my microphone

February 04, 2005

Must I Fight the Slave Trade at Every Turn?

Is the UN complicit in PBS's human trafficking ring?PBS Special Explores Slavery


When I read that headline today, I was frankly shocked and decided to formulate an opinion in the absence of further information, a rational explanation or "reading the article."


How could the venerable Public Broadcasting System even entertain the idea of keeping other humans in forced servitude?


I spent the better part of my days fighting against the idea of slavery and frankly I can't believe anyone would consider it's reintroduction... well maybe those fuckers at NPR those bastards will consider anything, all things even.


Gross indeedSo PBS don't lower yourselves to the debauched immoral level of public radio, you’re TV, you have pictures and Muppets and guys in turtlenecks who's turtlenecks we can see--you can't break that sacred moral trust.


In closing and in summation, NPR supports slavery and Terry Gross should be run out town on a rail for her incessant racist tirades.


I'm a slave to the rhythm

February 02, 2005

Russel Simmons Def Animal Abuse Hotline

I don't really shop for furs, just fine Corinthian leather.The American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty of Animals has recruited hip-hop impresario Russell Simmons to promote a new toll-free hotline for New Yorkers to report abuse of animals.


Reached for comment while fur shopping for his hot Asian wife, Simmon's noted, "there is nothing cool about being cruel to animals. They have no choice or voice."


Don't make a stink, it's just a mink... that's my fur slogan.Simmon's continued, "And if I have to explain to one more of you damn reporters that this isn't a hotline for the abuse of deaf animals, but a def animal abuse hotline, I will kill one of your children. That's how strongly I feel about def animal abuse."


Continuing to beat the proverbial dead horse Simmons noted, "Don't make me kill your children."


That's the way it is, so stay the hell back
We're causin hard times, for sucker MC's
Cause they don't make no songs like these
PERIOD!

February 01, 2005

Global Round-up

DO YOU LIKE MY NEW HAT?Nepalese King Gyanendra imposed a state of emergency on his small Himalayan constitutional monarchy this week, cutting off internet and telephone access to the outside world.


While the King is blaming Marxist rebels and the leading democratic party is calling this a royalist coupe -- I'm pretty sure someone in the parliament made fun of the dude's hat.


Don't eff with a dude's haberdashery unless you desire a beat down.


I WILL POINT MY FINGER WHERE EVER I PLEASEIraqi President Ghazi al-Yawer said that American troops should remain in his country to help bring about stability, to protect his ass and because they told him they were going to stay anyway. He then looked directly at the camera, wagged his finger furiously and challenged all and any members of al-Qaida to face him in a steel cage match with the Iron Sheik in Madison Square Garden early in the Spring of 1983.


Camel clutch buzzI've often suggested that the Iraqi insurgency could be broken with the camel clutch, but other's disagree. Some of my sources inside the al-Yawer staff have expressed doubt over the steel cage strategy because they say the Iron Sheik was not Iraqi until sometime during the first Gulf War when he faced GI-Joe's own Sergeant Slaughter. Prior to that the former WWF champ was most definitely Iranian and still many speculate that he is in fact just some Italian guy from Queens.


Shake shake it baby
Shake shake it