The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

February 15, 2005

Reasons I'm not Testifying for Michael Jackson

10. I died in 1862.
A minor detail that rarely keeps me out of the limelight.

9. Laughed uproariously when my friend Gary made a "whipping off Bubbles" joke--didn't see Tito behind the counter at Hardees.
I was slightly embarrassed, but got the curly fries anyway.

8. Once, asked Michael's dad when he decided to start wearing shoes.
Eight Men out jokes aren't as popular with domineering old black men as they are with say... John Cusack.

7. Uri Geller predicted the witness list would come down to me and David Blaine, Blaine won.
Blaine hangs with Leo, I hang with Andrew Jackson... and even the dude on the $20 can't compete with those baby blues.

6. Liz Taylor and I were briefly married in the 1850's, I'm sure she just doesn't want to run into me at the courthouse.
She looks a little rough now, but in the first half of the 19th century... hum-ana hum-ana!

5. They only really need one celebrity witness. That's right Stevie Wonder saw everything!
OH NO YOU DIDN'T! OH SNAP I DID! I make fun of the disabled, it's what I do.

4. Mark Geragos tried to imply that I killed Laci Peterson after that Satanist bullshit wouldn't fly.
I'm not one to hold a grudge, but that was pretty weak.

3. If I was in the courtroom there's a good chance I would undermine Jay Leno's testimony by repeating [cough]you're-a-effing-hack[cough] the entire time he was on the stand.
What can I say, I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

2. They said I was less articulate than Aaron Carter, less credible than Larry King and less drunk than Diana Ross.
Well when you've got a point, you've got a point.

1. I wasn't even asked.
[SIGH, single tear]

Look at me
I'm skinny
It never stopped me from getting busy


Blogger Peabs, Emperor of the Universe said...


Obvs in '05™.

4:27 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

George Will mentioned VanBuren in a recent column

9:57 PM  
Blogger President Martin Van Buren said...

George will is a douche

9:53 AM  
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