The Wit & Wisdom of Martin VanBuren

Numerically, the 8th President. Objectively, the best ruler in the history of man.

April 25, 2005

Quick Hits from the Prez

BOVS’Sheed... MMMMMBEST!


Meteor Shower Surprises New England.
Old England laments, "How come nothing exciting ever happens here?"


Jackson Prosecutors to Wrap Up Case.
"In closing and in summation... COME ON WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS FREAK... I MEAN... ARGGHHHH... THE GUY IS SUCH A FREAK... I'M LIKE TEARING MY HAIR OUT HERE... DID YOU HEAR ANY OF THIS SHIT?"


Clean cut, crooning and strictly isolationist"Now, if they can get either Joey Harrington or Jeff Garcia to play like Scott Mitchell – then they’ll really be onto something special."
Worst advice ever -- Now if we can only get Bush to act like Nixon... well at least he'd get caught.


Bolton Urged to Withdraw As U.N. Nominee
Shouldn't have cut your hair -- it was one of those Sampson kinda deals. But what did you expect from a man who loves a woman but hates international bodies that promote global solutions to bi-lateral and multi-lateral international discrepancies.


Before the beginning of the Civil War I once encountered Jefferson Davis on the streets of Washington, exchanged pleasantries and posed the simple question, "Do you have a small dick? Cause you sure act like a guy who’s intimidated by the mere thought of an entire race of dudes packing more heat than you."


I didn't bother to get into why some pompous southern asshat would be thinking about black schlong all day -- I didn't want to get brain on my new jacket when his head exploded.


Just like Muhummad Ali they called him Cassius

April 22, 2005

Full Disclosure

It's come to my attention that outing anonymous bloggers is the flavor of the week -- "the new black" to borrow from one of the five approved blogging clichés -- obvs.


So I thought it prudent to come clean before some clever bloggarati (Jazzbot)or full-time blog sleuth, part-time barista came after MVB.


That's right, it's true, I, Gorilla am Martin VanBuren.


It's meIn fact, the real Martin VanBuren died in 1862 and as far as the historical record shows, never said, "dude, She-MARS."


I know what you are thinking, you're thinking, "didn't you pretty much let this pitiful excuse for a blog die on the vine months ago, why bother with full disclosure now?"


Right, but how do you know one of my ROOMATES didn't let this pitiful excuse for a blog die on the vine months ago?


"You mean your wife?"


Could be. Or what about my dogs? They're home all day, lots of free time, probably watching TV, they easily could have ordered an associates degree in blogging from ITT Tech or the University of Phoenix.


Listen to your dogs, they are very wise"So you are saying your dogs wrote MVB?"


Come now, lets not be ridiculous, dogs can't write blogs, they lack opposable thumbs.


They simply told me to write MVB... WITH THEIR MINDS!!


You know they are quite remarkable... not just my dogs, but dogs in general, like as a species. And so full of suggestions.


always talked aboutDogs, always talked about... wait, no, that's Strays.


But I digress.


I just thought I point out that most of the people I said mean things about were either dead, the President of the United States or celebrities, who as we all know, aren't really people anyway.


I for example would never make disparaging comments about an entire nation of people. For example, I like the Jews, but not at the expense of the Arabs, who also have many fine qualities. And Middle-Eastern food is great -- kudos to the both of you on that – shwarma, baba ganoush -- fun to eat, fun to say.


I mean sure, there was that one thing about killing Indians but that was a joke, so it doesn't really count against me.


"What about that one time you suggested a certain well known blogger had multiple vaginas?"


Uh, yeah, that was an sms message I sent when I stole the person in question's phone number, not a post and I'd like to point out that I nearly apologized for that.


So in closing and in summation, I am MVB and I am not sorry for writing funny jokes over the course of a few months -- but I think both of them were worth it.


When I say freeze you just freeze one time
When I say freeze y'all stop on a dime
FREEZE!